June 15th. The Day that Changed Everything!
Today is the anniversary of my parents’ deaths.
You might be wondering…
Shouldn’t I have buried June 15th a long time ago? Why ‘honor’ their deaths with even the slightest bit of attention? What’s the purpose of bringing it up so many years later?
This is what I know.
The day my father took a gun and pointed it at my mother putting two bullets in her abdomen and then firing one solidly at his temple…forever changed me.
And more than just the obvious.
Yes, I was orphaned. Yes, my relatives did not stop by to check on us. Heck, they didn’t even bring us dinner. My sisters and I were truly left on our own.
And now, I can see the magic of June 15th…the grace…the message waiting for me.
That’s why I bring it up. That’s why I honor it. That’s why every June 15th I get down on my knees in gratitude.
Not for their deaths. But for my life.
It took me 20 years to find the message, to take myself out of ‘orphan’ and ‘victim’ to owning my life fully.
Let me tell you that was not easy to do.
It’s soooo much easier blaming and shaming myself for their deaths, for my lousy life, for the drinks I downed night after night, for my failed suicide attempts, for almost flunking out of college. For all the crap I did to hurt others to protect myself. For what I deemed, the wasted twenty years.
So much shame. So much embarrassment. So much regret.
It was so much easier to put myself down and tell myself what a loser I am and how I will never be loved. And not change my life. But stay stuck right in the muck of it.
Yes, it was horribly painful to be in that place, but it was definitely way easier.
Because I didn’t have to DO anything different. I didn’t have to challenge my thoughts or open my heart to see my innocence or cry crocodile tears of forgiveness.
Owning my life was HARD. (IN ALL CAPS HARD!)
First: I had to tell myself the stark truth with no rose colored glasses.
Second: I had to own up to my horrible treatment towards myself, and others.
Third: I had to face the fact that I didn’t know how to say no, or view myself with compassion, or respect myself, or even like myself. Bottom line: I knew I needed these things but I didn’t know how to do them for myself. Not one bit.
Twenty years after their deaths, on June 15th, I said to myself, “NO MORE.”
It was time to leave the past in the past not by cutting off the memories or pretending it still didn’t hurt sometimes, but embracing all of it.
Embracing the muck to find the pony, to find the gold, to find the seed of my new life.
It took me YEARS to figure it out. It took me decades to feel empowered, and loved, and respected. But this I know, it does not have to be the same for you. I can show you the way…
June 15th changed the trajectory of my life.
Today can change the trajectory of your life too.
All you have to do is decide.
Decide that the pain you feel now, the suffering you experience way too regularly, is worth giving up, releasing, letting go.
Because when you decide that today is the day…the heavens open and the winds will blow and change will be a-comin’.
Will it be hard? Some days.
But don’t worry. I’ve been there. I got your back.
You can do this!
I love you mom.
I love you dad.
And yes, I love you too!
Until next time, Be Fearless,
PS. Those are my parents a mere year before they died. I love them. And I love me too! (FINALLY!)
PPS. People ask me all the time how I did it. That’s why I wrote books and teach workshops and online courses. I don’t do those things for myself, I do them for you.
When someone asks me how I did it, I always want to know what they are going to do with my answer.
Are they going to just listen and nod their head politely while silently deciding their life isn’t worth all that effort or expense? (It is!)
Are they going to stay suffering and in pain because they don’t think they can do what I did? (Yes, you can, by the way!)
Or are they going to be excited that I can show them the way out? (I pray for this!)
Too many times its #1 or #2 and I want to scream, DON’T LET YOUR FEAR WIN!
You are worth the effort, and time, and money. You can take your life back.
You just have to decide. I will help you do the rest. We can talk more about that another day.
For now, know that I got out. You can too!