Hmmmm….where do I start?
Well, first off, I want to thank all of you for the wonderful, loving, supportive emails you have sent to me. I am continually amazed at the generous hearts of our Fearless Community. I have received poems of hope, suggestions for exercises and just a lot of love and hugs. I am touched. And extremely grateful. You remind me what it means to be fearless. Thank you!
Second, I want to assure all of you that I am completely committed to forgiving and loving and seeing the innocence of Mr. Love-A-Lot (sometimes I think I could totally go back to him in a heartbeat). And I am also committed to experiencing the very human feeling of anger (which I rarely allow in my life).
I want to remind you that anger is one of the stages of forgiveness. And it is one that I can so ‘understand away’. I mean, I get why people do what they do. I get that Mr. Love-A-Lot is raging on his Wheel of Fear. I get that he is completely enveloped in his trigger of incompetent. I get that. And because I get that I sometimes forget to actually feel my feelings.
I do not want to do that.
I want to live what I tell my client regularly…my needs equal your needs. Just because I understand what Mr. Love-A-Lot might be feeling doesn’t mean my needs have to be put on the back burner. (Trust me, I am good at that.) So here I sit in the muck of the journey called life.
I do not want to rush it.
Again, I understand so clearly that I can easily jump through the stages of forgiveness and wrap it all up in a nice neat package which we would all find so enlightening and loving and amazing. But then it wouldn’t stick. It would eventually haunt me once again.
I do not want to pretend.
I want to actually be fearless in every moment of my life. Sometimes that will look like I am stuck and less than evolved. I am willing to risk how I might look to the outside world for a life with meaning and as my own coach says, “A life of soul satisfaction.”
Mr. Love-A-Lot has been less than loving during the closing of our relationship. He has attempted to manipulate me, disempower me and blame me for everything under the sun. Again, I get that it is his Wheel of Fear. He has called all of his friends and told them a story about how we ended, his version of course, that makes me out to be Ms. Horrible. Again, I get that he is triggered big time. He sends me text messages and emails that would shock you (they did me) in his relentless pursuit to make me feel bad, guilty and ashamed to be me.
I do not want to lie.
I will not cave in to his version of the story just to make him feel better. I will not, every again, believe another person over my own intuition and my truth. I will not tell him what he wants to hear because I would be lying. He wants me to doubt myself. He wants me to second-guess our past conversations. He wants me to care more about what his friends might think of me than what I think of me. He wants me to give up me.
I do not want to die. And I would die if I gave up me.
So that is where I am. Between understanding him so well that I can be in love with him all over again to reminding myself that I have to love myself just as much if not more than I ever loved him. And to love myself, right now, at this moment in time, I have to give up caring what he thinks and what he wants. And that is hard when you love somebody. It is really hard.
I love Mr. Love-A-Lot. Always will. But today, I must choose me.