Thank you for all your notes and phone calls asking if I am all right. I am touched and grateful for the connection we have. So now, where do I begin?
It seems redundant to tell you I haven't been myself lately. Wait. That's not quite true. I actually think I am becoming more myself.
I have a theory. My theory is when we get on the Fearless Path, we are compelled to become more of who we were always meant to be. Sometimes that isn't always easy to decipher. The direction we head isn't always forward. Sometimes the direction seems skewed, off base, or even careening off track. We feel lost, confused and backward. Sometimes thats how it feels: backward. (note: when I feel like I am going backward, I know, as long as I am present and choosing actions more in alignment with the truth of who I am, I am always going deeper.)
Now, when we are going all of these different directions - here's the theory part - I believe that what is really happening is our foundation is getting bigger, longer, wider, richer, deeper, more expansive. That means - again, theory part - that things can come up that used to be hidden (because we couldn't or didn't want to deal with it or tell ourselves the truth.) Because the bigger our foundation is, the more access we have to all those parts of ourselves that we have been hiding away, that were split off from us during the hard times in our life. Now that our foundation is bigger, we have more tools, skills and courage to handle what's coming our way. (Even though it doesn't feel like it at first. We are in new territory remember.)
Think of it this way...when our foundation gets bigger, we have the room, and space, to pick up the pieces of ourselves that we have left behind. That's the good news.
For instance, I will never forget the first time I was jealous. I have no memory of ever being jealous growing up but boy, oh boy, when I did feel it for the first time, it consumed me. I felt obsessed. I was about thirty-three years old. Not yet a coach and not yet knowing where I was going in my life.
Who was I jealous of? A friend of mine who I had been coaching (without the certificate) for seven years about every single aspect of her life. And I hate to say it, but she was no brain surgeon. I had to spell things out and be very specific over and over again. (Now, I see she was in my life to train me to listen and teach at a very profound level. Thank you friend!)
So here we were: Good friends. Me, the pseudo-teacher and she, the pseudo-student. And one day she comes to me and tells me she is going to start teaching workshops. I almost fell out of my chair. WHAT!? YOU??! TEACH!?!?
I was speechless. Overcome really. Within weeks, she had flyers up and was telling all her friends to attend her class.
I wanted to gag! Then it hit me, I was jealous and judgmental because she was doing what I wanted to do. I don't think it was workshops specifically but it was something to do with sharing, and giving, and connecting and my jealousy told me she didn't have the right to do it. I mean, I was the one who had been teaching her!!!
Jealousy kicked my butt and got me into action. But this is the point I am attempting to make: I would never have had the capacity to give myself the permission to feel jealous if I hadn't grown as a person. Jealousy was an absolute no-no in my youth so to actually allow those feelings of jealousy to come up without dying, well, that was just darn brave on my part.
See I had to be willing to feel jealous because what caused the jealousy was also causing the 'no' within me. The reasons I told myself she couldn't do it were also keeping me from doing it. She didn't deserve to do it than neither could I. She wasn't smart enough than neither was I. And on and on it goes.
The sad part is most of us would call that experience going backwards or stupid or bad. The very feeling that is coming out and up to be healed we want to stuff back in as fast a possible and keep ignoring it and pretend we couldn't possibly feel that way. But as human beings we are capable of feeling all feelings. And as you have heard me say a million times by now, "The feeling you are afraid to feel is running your life," is true.
In the past fifteen months my platform, my foundation, my ground has expanded to all sides of me i.e. up over pluto, reaching past hong kong, over the arctic circle and down to the molten core. Now this is the tricky part: I might think right now that I am at the core, but opps, two year or fifteen months or one week from now, it might feel like I am doing deeper, wider, higher still. That's okay. That is the fun part of the Fearless Path.
And yes, I did say FUN!!!
Regardless of all the emotions I have barely lived through in the past fifteen months, I know I am just touching the surface of what is possible for me. I am reaching in to my soul and coaxing it out little by little. And it feels absolutely wonderful. And it takes a ton of my energy, hence, no blogs.
I feel different now. I will try to articulate it in the months ahead but it is still coalescing. I just don't want to scare it away until I have more of it in my cells.
Because understanding it is one thing, but getting it into your bones is completely something else. And I want this in my bones. Therefore, I must be gentle. I must be patient. I must love all of this. Pray for me.