Warning! Please sit down before reading the following blog. Be prepared to be shocked and amazed.
Are you sitting down? For the past 10 days I have been tent camping (yes, I said a tent) by myself (yes, I said by myself) along the Oregon coast and Redwood Forest in Northern California. Each night I set up a tent and slept near the ocean or under redwoods or tucked myself into a tight spot when there was no room at a Campground. AND I LOVED IT!!! (Shocking part!)
It was that darn Sacred Passage that hooked me on camping and I knew it was the right thing to do, the thing I needed to do, after the break-up with Mr. Love-A-Lot. I spent a lot of time hiking or staring at the ocean or journaling. Tons of me time. And boy, did I need it.
It was also a dream fulfilled. I have wanted to travel down the Oregon coast for over ten years yet the timing was never right and when I realized I could carve out two weeks to do it, I did it. I wasn’t going to let another dream pass me by especially now when another dream was dying.
Over the past ten days I have had many revelations and awakenings regarding my relationship. I am grateful for the outdoor adventure experience he gave me and the opportunity to be part of his daughter’s life. What a gift! And I also realize how, once again, subtle fear plays into my relationships and how, on some level, I am still attempting to heal from the pain of my parents deaths.
The good news…before my relationship trauma’s showed up in vivid color playing out with a ton of drama and blame and shame and pain. Now, there is no drama and the similiarities between Mr. Love-A-Lot and my relationship with my father are so secret, so subtle, so seductive that they are barely visible even now.
This is where journaling comes in handy. Every feeling I had about him I asked how am I living that feeling or denying that feeling or avoiding it. Every name I called him under my breath driving the thousand plus miles I did, I asked myself how am I those same things, those same names…how could I call myself that if I was honest with myself. And honest I was. Dark night of the soul, HELLO! It was more like Dark Night of Ten Days and Nights.
And each of those days and nights I loved him and then hated him and then wanted him back and then never wanted to see him again and then wondered if he called. Back and forth playing out the human emotions of separation, physical and emotional.
I am better for it all. I am a better me. I am better for having known him, for having loved him, for receiving his love, for living the life I did beside him. I am better.
Thank you Mr. Love-A-Lot. Today, I thank you because who knows how I will feel tomorrow about you…. (Wink, smile, grin).