Love is not enough for me and Mr. Love-A-Lot. Last Wednesday, we broke up. It wasn’t a shock by the time it actually happened yet it was a shock as I watched the ties binding us unravel one-by-one. It was almost surreal. I couldn’t believe that what felt so right and so true was no longer being experienced that way.
It didn’t end because of one particular moment. I didn’t find him in bed with anyone else. And he didn’t find me lying about where I was. Neither of us cheated or lied. Neither of us screamed at each other. Neither of us called each other names. Neither of us, I don’t think, wanted to end this way. We just did.
Instead it unraveled moment after moment after moment. It was one conversation built upon another that didn’t jive, didn’t make sense, didn’t belong in our relationship. Other colors of who we were started showing up and those colors didn’t match what was already there.
“They” say it is best to experience someone you love through all four seasons of the year before you ‘commit’. I didn’t wait. I dived in, jumped in, ran in. It had been over five years since I had been in a relationship. Meeting Mr. Love-A-Lot was heaven. Being with him was exactly what I wanted. Then. Sadly, not now.
Can you say I had expectations? Sure. Did we set each up other to fail? I don’t think so. Did we try as hard as we could to stay together? I would say that’s a no.
And that’s always the tough part for me. I have a tendency to stay until they drag me down and beat me up. I didn’t want to do that same thing with Mr. Love-A-Lot.
Over the past six months, words we have said, actions we have taken, values we once shared….all came to a head and a decision had to be made. Stay or go. The writing was on the wall. I just had to be willing to read the message and let me tell you, I didn’t want to.
Over a month ago he told me I should go. He never took it back. He never asked me to stay. And yet, I would decide that when he told me he loved me he was saying ‘stay’ or when we went out to dinner he was secretly saying ‘stay’ or when we talked of the future he was saying ‘stay, stay, stay.’
The day we broke-up he never asked me to stay. I mentioned that to him. Once again, he didn’t ask me to stay. I can take a hint.
I could tell you all the reasons I think it ended. But I would just be making it up. And I don’t want to make up reasons for something that isn’t black and white.
I love him. He says he loves me. That is what I choose to believe. We love each other but, in this case, love wasn’t enough.