Ever time I finish a book a mixture of feelings hit me…relief (I’m done…yeah!!!), sadness (I’m done…boohoo…sniffle!) and fear (I’m done…oh no!). And those feelings come upon me as I go from loving my ‘thought provoking, inspiring and depthful’ book to hating my ‘heart ripped out and served on a platter’ book.
And that’s my process. One minute I love my latest endeavor and the next minute I hate it. I try not to get too attached to every feeling that is moving through me but I do have to say it can be tough sometimes…I want to love my book, every page of it. It took my heart, soul and every ounce of courage to write it…yet, even I am afraid it’s not good enough. Maybe no one will like it, I wonder. Maybe my stories are too personal, I fear. And on it goes….
I know it’s normal to have these ups and downs but it doesn’t mean I am not scared to beegeebers.
Like I said, this isn’t the first time I have experienced this dread mixed with pride. Do I Look Fat in This? will be my fourth book. So I have learned to roll with the punches and know soon enough I will love my book again…and love it alot.
Until then, I focus on the following truth….”the healing is in the writing.” That means that what I write stands for healing because it was written for healing my own body shame and written in the name of healing the world of that same shame. I must know that what I write matters and means something if for no one else but myself. That is what matters most. That is what gives me permission to write about things that expose me and my body fears. That is what gives me courage to love all of me, body and all.
I know, in reality, I love every single sentence of my book, otherwise, it would not exist on the page…but sometimes even I forget. May we all learn to honor the feelings that move through us yet not allow them to run our lives. May we all love ourselves enough…