Thank you for your countless supportive and loving emails. I am overjoyed each time you embrace me for my humanity. What a gift that is to me. And thank you for the emails that are telling me to ‘get over Mr. Love-A-Lot already.’ Well, it isn’t so simple…
Let me explain…
Am I being fearless right now?
You betcha. Probably the last 9 months have tested my fearlessness in ways I thought I wouldn’t have to experience again. What’s happening now is old stuff I thought was over, done, healed. I haven’t felt this way since I was 25 years old.
How am I being fearless?
I am facing my father at a level I never knew existed. It feels like the skin is being ripped off of me and new skin is being born. Sorry for the graphic example but I wanted you to know how it feels at times. 🙂 And for those of you who have experienced the great awakening, you know exactly what I mean.
Everything I am going through due to the break-up with Mr. Love-A-Lot isn’t about Mr. Love-A-Lot. Obviously, I can get over Mr. Love-A-Lot. I mean, I am the one who walked out the door. And I did so graciously, lovingly and empoweringly to myself and to him. This is no longer about him. He has just been the catalyst to wake me up to more. That’s the humorous and humbling part. For all the work I have done, all the heights I have scaled, all the rivers I have cried…this is where the rubber hits the road. This is the moment where true fearlessness lies.
So now what?
Just like any experience in my life, when Mr. Love-A-Lot and I broke-up I immediately began to look for the deeper healing, the deeper meaning, the deeper possibility. The choice was not stuffing, not hiding, not minimizing. Because I knew, if I was open to experience everything and anything, I would experience exactly what I need. And what I need is to heal a legacy that has been handed down through generations that until now, was just a shadow, barely there.
What would not be fearless?
Just forgetting all about it and saying to myself, “You are amazing so forget the shmuck.” Yes, I know I could do that quite easily. But, like I said, this isn’t about the shmuck. (teehee!) Because forgetting all about it would include forgetting all the growth that comes with it. All the opportunities for transformation at the core.
This is my journey. You don’t have to like it, agree with it or believe in it. I share it because I made a commitment to you long ago that you would always hear the truth from me. Not the pretty truth but the hardcore in-your-face truth. I tell you because I believe we are the same and perhaps if I share what I am going through you will have a little more courage to go there too.
Growth is amazing. It never looks like we think it will…it comes on its own terms, in its own way, on its own time. My choice, then, is to do it fearlessly. And so I do. The best way I know how.