It’s time you start confronting the people in your life who aren’t treating you right. Did you just GULP? I know I did.
Maybe you don’t like the way they treat you when their family is around or perhaps they blow you off every time you are upset by saying “what’s the big deal” or they could be accusing you of being too sensitive or not able to take a joke.
When you don’t feel like the people in your life are treating you right, your needs aren’t getting met.
Admitting you have needs can be paralyzing and the thought of needing someone else to help you get your emotional needs met can be frightening.
If you are a chatterbox, you could find yourself going mute. If you hate to be rejected, you could find yourself lying and saying things like, “it’s not a big deal.” If you hate to owe anyone anything, you might not reach out because you fear you will be in debt to that other person forever. (You don’t want anything hanging over YOUR head.)
When you don’t honor your needs, you are not being loving to you. Because if you can’t speak up, if you can’t ask for help, if you can’t say yes or no, you are not including yourself in your own life.
Did you hear that?
If your needs go unmet, you are not honoring yourself, telling yourself the truth or being loving to yourself. Instead, you are punishing yourself, mistreating yourself, hurting yourself.
That’s what happens when we have a need and we don’t know how to get it met or we pretend we don’t care about getting that need met. (That’s such a lie.)
I get how confusing it is. Before I figured this stuff out, I would ask myself a hundred and one questions.
Do I have a right to ask for their help? Is this a legitimate need or am I being a big baby? Aren’t I just being needy? Is this my stuff or his? What if they won’t change? What if they don't want to help me? What can I say without making them feel bad? (I don’t want to make them feel bad. how do you know which needs are okay to have, and which needs make you needy? Or which needs are your problem and which needs do you need someone else to help you along? It’s so confusing.
Wait a minute. I am getting ahead of myself. Let me slow down for a moment and start from the top.
What is a need? And what needs do you have a right to have?
A physical need is something you must have to survive like food, water, shelter. An emotional need is something that increases your contentment and self-love while an unmet meet leaves you frustrated and dissatisfied.
Do you have a need to have your opinions respected by your colleagues and friends?
Do you have a need to be listened to when something is bothering you?
Do you have a need to feel safe when you have something vulnerable to say?
Do you have a need to stay connected to your family?
Those are valid and important needs. You have a right to every single one of those.
And I bet you have more needs.
But it can be difficult to navigate between having a need and being needy. Let me help…
If you have a disagreement, a tiff, a fight, an argument, a conflict, here are the three things you must do:
- Identify your need. Which need is missing i.e. what would make you feel valued and safe? Do you have a need for respect? Connection? Financial stability? Commitment? Sexual fulfillment? Honesty?
- Take full responsibility for getting your needs met. Can you fulfill your need by giving yourself something? Do you need help from someone specific or can a number of people help you get your need met?
- Ask for help. Share your frustrations and fears with the important people in your life (boss, mate, BFF, etc) without attacking or blaming.
- Consequences must be spelled out. If you have a repeatedly unmet need with someone important in your life, you must have the courage to put consequences in place. Without consequences, there is no accountability.
- Gratitude. Thank yourself for the willingness to speak up. Thank the other person for honoring your relationship. And thank you for being willing to love yourself enough to care for your needs.
Our greatest opportunity with the people in our life is to feel more connected, more loved, more respected. That can only happen when we put boundaries in place.
But what’s harder than almost anything is knowing what you need. Do you need respect? Do you want to be trusted or treated honorably? Do you want to know where you stand with the people in your life?
What’s harder than speaking up to someone you don’t want to lose in your life or saying no to the person who you fear may fire your butt if you don't do what they say, or or or…you get the drift.
Read this question I received from Janice. It’s all about boundaries.
"My boyfriend is rude, calls me names and is mean to me. Do you think he loves me?"
The answer in short: No.
He might like having sex with you. He might like controlling you. He might like the power trip he gets from bossing your around. But Janice, that is not love. That is emotional abuse. Yes, abuse.
But there is even a deeper issue than his behavior (which is bad enough and you definitely need to kick him to the curb), it’s your lack of love for yourself.
Loving yourself is no easy feat. It can feel super hard to do. It can feel like an earthquake inside.
Let me say this LOUD and CLEAR:
Loving yourself is the most fearless, radical act you can do, and MUST do, if you are to be the person you were born to be.
You weren’t born to be called names or abused or controlled.
You weren’t born to wonder if you will be loved.
You weren’t born to mistrust yourself.
You were born to stand tall, speak straight and be filled with the light and love of the infinite source that created the Universe. You are made of stardust and the energy of the Universe is at your disposal.