I’m a victim.
There, I said it. I want to throw up a bit because I just said that one word out loud but confess it I must. You’ll find out why in a minute…
Looking back on my life I can see how I’ve set myself up to be a victim to get love, to get praise, to even get approval and acceptance. In fact, being a victim has even made me feel like I belonged.
Has that ever happened to you?
You find yourself saying things or doing things you hate because someone you love is saying it or doing it so you find yourself saying it or doing it too?
I hate when that happens. And yes, that’s me being a victim.
I’ve been a good victim.
I can tell you stories of how wronged I’ve been.
I can tell you stories of how others have abandoned, betrayed or left me for dead.
I can tell you stories of how my success has been labeled selfish.
I can tell you stories of how my body genetics haven’t worked in my favor and food is poisoned by the food companies anyway so my body doesn’t have a chance.
I can tell you stories about my bad knees and my hyper-mobile back that leaves me with fewer options to work out and get fit.
I can tell you stories about how aging is an unfair fight and no one likes an old lady.
Oh, I can tell you stories.
And all those stories would feel so true to me. Those things really did happen to me. I was really hurt. And my knees do suck.
That’s when I know I’m being an A+ victim. When I’ve convinced myself that I really can’t do that thing, or go that place, or meet that person because, because, because . . . man, those becauses feel so real, don’t they?
Especially when it comes to my body.
Just check the news stories. Our bodies genes and neurobiology are stacked against us if we want to lose weight or get healthy.
Victim of the research studies.
Victim of my neurobiology.
Victim of my genes and my knees and my back and my sugar cravings.
And, most of all, a victim to my feelings.
Those feelings toggle me from upset to happy to depressed if I don’t keep my wits about me. They tell me “I don’t feel like eating a green raw salad made with kale” or “I’m too tired to lift a twenty-pound kettlebell” or, and this is the best one, “I shouldn’t care about my body being a size 6 so much. That’s so vain and so unspiritual.”
And with every story, you’ll be right with me; angry, teary-eyed and upset that this has happened to me, to us! You’ll say along with me: Life is not fair.
And in that moment, we will believe it. Because life isn’t fair. All the gurus say so.
That is until I call myself out and say, “VICTIM.”
That shuts down all the noise. All the blame and shame and guilt. It shuts it all down.
Admitting when I’m being a victim is one of the bravest things I’ll ever do.
That’s where my true power lies: Admitting when I’m in fear.
Because when I’m in fear and act out of fear, when I’m not doing what I know I want to do in my heart, when I’m not choosing me and loving me and doing what’s right for me…I am a victim. And you are too.
When I say, “Rhonda, you’re being a victim,” I get a second chance. I get to choose again. I get to own it and start over.
There’s no shame in admitting you’ve been a victim. In fact, it’s refreshingly honest and vulnerable and real. Admitting it gets you closer to yourself.
Then, I can put the stories away of “poor me” and “you don’t understand” and “you haven’t had to live through what I’ve had to” and “I don’t have the time” and “my bank account is tapped out” and all the other really sane-sounding excuses I tell myself.
I give them all up. Because I have to. Otherwise, I will not choose what’s best for the real me, the true me. The stories of money and time and selfishness and being irresponsible will get in my way.
When I claim VICTIM, I stop it all and look myself in the eye and ask myself: Rhonda, who are you going to be today? What would the Fearless Rhonda do?
And then I go out and practice being that Fearless Rhonda.
To do that, I have to dig deep and listen to what’s on the other side of fear. It might take a few minutes or an hour or more. I wait. Patiently. Courting the real action I must take that’s hidden underneath all that fear.
With honesty. And compassion. And a ton of courage. I must choose again. Choose myself, maybe for the first time. But choose myself I must. Not over anyone. Not to hurt anyone. But for my sake so I can be a better friend, a better lover, a better teacher, a better mentor, a better coach.
I must because I promised myself I would. And I’m going to keep that promise to my soul, to my heart and to the spirit within. I’m going to keep it. How about you?
Say it outloud: I am a victim.
See that wasn’t so bad. 🙂
The only way to stop being a victim is to admit when you’re being one. Then you can quit being the victim of your body, your home, your job, your relationship, your family. And start taking fearless actions on your own behalf.
You have more power, more light, more courage than you think you do. I promise you that.
Who do you want to be today? Your Fearless Self?
You can, you know. It’s actually easier than you think.
You just have to start.
Don’t worry. I will help you.