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Rhonda: Welcome to Season Four of Master Coach Mindset™. Hi, my name is Rhonda Britten, and this Season I'm going to be opening up my archives and sharing the most popular questions I have received over the last two decades from Coaches just like you. Whether it's about the “Art of Coaching,” or addressing your Clients' questions about relationships, career, or self. Plus, I will be answering the questions you have right now about your practice and your Clients.
So, go ahead and ask me anything at MasterCoachMindset.com. That's right, go visit MasterCoachMindset.com and click on “Ask Rhonda Anything,” and go ahead and ask. In today's Episode, I'll be sharing my answers to your questions straight from my archives. The topic today: “The Art of Coaching.”
CALLER ONE:
Rhonda: Hey, how can I support you?
Sherry: Oh, okay. This is Rhonda I take it?
Rhonda: Yes, it is.
Sherry: I saw you a couple of years ago at The Novo, and I forget what city and I absolutely adore you.
Rhonda: Thank you.
Sherry: I've got three questions.
Rhonda: Yes.
Sherry: I am an Executive Coach, and when I talk to people, my tagline is, “Who do you vent to? Who do you tell your problems to?” That type of thing. I don't know what else to say, and I don't know how I can close the sale.
Rhonda: Well, first of all, are you talking about corporations of executive Coaches? Are you working with VPs? Who's paying you? Is it the individual, or the corporation?
Sherry: In most cases, it would be the same. I'm targeting women business owners.
Rhonda: Okay. If there's women business owners ... Under a million dollars a year?
Sherry: Yes.
Rhonda: Okay. At the time, who do you vent to, is not necessarily enough. It's not a solution-oriented.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: It doesn't make me feel like you're going to also help me solve my problems, which I am uncomfortable talking to about with anybody else, because none of my friends understand.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: It's almost as if what I'm hearing, is what you want to do, is be the person that, I'm going to go around about and get to the end eventually, but it's like you're going to go around about and say, "Okay." Depending on what they say, is that you're going to be the person to support them, in taking that leadership position, and maximize it to the full potential, while supporting their humanity.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: It's more of a, “look I need somebody to talk to.” That's the problem I have. There's so few people that understand where I am, and it is epidemic for CEOs. CEOs, people that own their own businesses have few places. So, your service is needed is what I'm getting at, and what I want to do is, if I invest my money, I don't need to vent. I need solutions. You and I both know they're going to vent, yet that's not what they're willing to pay for. Especially if they're women business owners, they're on tight budgets because they're trying to build their business. So, it really has to come from a place of that you can help build their business while supporting them, as being human, or however you would word that in your own personal way. Does that make sense?
Sherry: Yes it does.
Rhonda: Because if I have so little money ... I'm your Client right now. I'm your Client. I'm a woman business owner. I make good money, but not a millionaire, and I got some money. I could use a Coach, but venting isn't enough for me. I want to make sure you're going to increase my business if I'm going to use you. You and I both know that business will increase if they have somebody to discuss things with.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: So for you and more than anyone, you would be focused on results per se, while other Coaches might be focused when they're pitching, or speaking to somebody on the process.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: Because they're so tight. They're tight on time. They're tight on money. They're trying to build. It's all about focusing on it because that mindset is all about, how can I become more profitable? How can I be better?
Sherry: Okay. Wow. Until I look at it. This is great.
Rhonda: Does that make sense to you?
Sherry: It makes a lot of sense.
Rhonda: I would invite you to eliminate the thinking of closing the sale because that just gets in the sales mentality, and of people that are at the Executive Coach level, like yourself, and people that I'm going to go to, like you for this particular job, it's a very intimate relationship.
I'm going to tell you about my business. I'm going to tell you about the money I'm making. I'm not making. I'm going to tell you how my relationships suck. It's very intimate. Any sales mentality is going to make me think, that I'm part of a math project, and if it's my business, it's my baby, and it has to feel very intimate. It has to feel like they're it, that they're the only ones because then I feel like you're going to give me the time and the attention, and, of course, I was focused on why you focus on women business.
Obviously, I'm going to think you will have a business of your own, or I've done that, or have experience with that so that I can use that. So, something very important is, if you've had any major accomplishments in your life. Whether you've had a company of 1.5 million or built a section of a corporation into 20 million, or anything of that sort. That's something that you can at the tip of the tongue, to support them, and that you do know how to do this.
Sherry: Okay. So, I should not be aggressive, and I don't want to say pursuing them...
Rhonda: No, absolutely not.
Sherry: ... asking them. Just keep it low key and let them make the first move to hire me, to come to me.
Rhonda: It's kind of like a dance. Are you networking to get most of your Clients at this point?
Sherry: Yes, I am.
Rhonda: Okay, and you belong to networking organizations?
Sherry: That I do, yeah.
Rhonda: Okay great, because I would think that would be a very fruitful place for you. The thing with the networking organizations, everybody wants everybody to buy from them. So, your opportunity, when you go, and you pitch yourself, so to speak, and you have your 30 seconds, you're all about results. When you give your pitch; it's not like, “I'm here to let you say it, just support you.” Because in their mind right now, it's their mother or their best friend that can do that.
Now, you and I both know that's not actually true, the way you're going to do it, but that's what they think. So, when you're talking about yourself in those 30 second, or 10 second meeting, you know those 10 second moments, that you have at this 30 seconds, it really is about, I just want to tell you a story about a Client of mine. She went from a half a million in sales, to a million in sales in six months, based on our work together, and that's what I can do for you.
Sherry: Really?
Rhonda: Because that's going to make me sit up, and notice. If you're not going to go for numbers, you can say, I had a woman business owner, that was frazzled, has three kids, feeling very pressured, unable to complete, feel good about herself in work, and in her home, and within three months of working together, not only is she personally satisfied and having extraordinary results at work, but she's also having more love in her family, because that's what I do.
So, whatever you really focus on, and again, I do agree that yes, they're going to come to you. You have to make yourself available, and I would definitely, probably if there's an opportunity, go to coffee or lunch, but definitely, I would wait for them to come to you, because if you go after them, and they're not actually going to be as committed, because they don't think they need you.
You can make an easy, by giving the first Session, 30 minutes or 40 minutes, whatever you do. Make sure that that that's on your business card, or on your flyer or on your handout, or whatever your opportunities for marketing are. Say, let me help you. Let me help you, master business and family, or whatever your expertise is, and to support you and knowing what I do, and seeing if we're a good match, 30 minute free Session, or 45, or an hour.
So, it's about not like, see if I'm for you. No, it's like, see if we're a good match, because that's again, a more powerful stance.
[00:08:47] My attitude, and this is how I train my Coaches, they definitely never call a Client. That's my philosophy. Do you return a call? Of course. If somebody says, “please call me.” I always go, “you know what? Here's my number. You call me when you're ready.” I don't say, okay. I go, “okay, you know what? I think what would really support our relationship is, I'm going to give you my number, and here it is, and you call me whenever you're ready to have an intro talk, for a free Session,” or however you want to frame it. I say that right up front. People said that to me all the time. “Oh Rhonda, would you call me?” No. No, I'm not going to call you. I'm not going to call them. I'm not. Because then that puts me in the position of, that I'm going to babysit. I want to go right away in the relationship, very, very powerfully.
It's accountability because that's what you're about, Sherry. That's what you're about. So, it's accountability. So, immediately you have to put it into their hands and say, “I look forward to your call and I cannot wait to support you in this. We are going to do magic together.” Or however you want to phrase it, and then you hand them the card and smile whenever you see them. Then you can go up to them, if you're at a networking meeting, and say, “How are things going?” Just as you would to just anybody, but never mentioning your business unless you're in a relationship where it's kind of like a joke of the day. “Oh, okay. Well, I'm going to hire you someday, Sherry, just not yet. Okay. Well, whenever you're ready.” Does that make sense?
Sherry: It does.
Rhonda: How many Clients do you have right now?
Sherry: I've got about three.
Rhonda: Okay, and do you want to do this full time?
Sherry: Yes.
Rhonda: Okay, and how many Clients are you going for?
Sherry: Full time, yes, but I'm doing other things. I'd like to have, I guess about 10 or 15.
Rhonda: Okay, great.
Sherry: Which would be pretty much all that I could handle.
Rhonda: Great. Well, there's no reason why you can't do that within the next three months.
Sherry: Okay. I'm a Certified Woman Business Enterprise, and I was just at a networking lunch, and so to speak, and I've got follow-up to do this weekend. I typically just drop people a note. “It's nice to see you, Bob. Nice to meet you, Blah Blah Blah,” and will incorporate some of this stuff.
Along those lines, I'm also a motivational speaker, and I know I am very good at what I do. How do I set myself apart, from the other people to get the speaking jobs? At the rotaries, all the women's organizations you have to speak to you to kind of get your way up.
Rhonda: What area do you live in? Midwest? Southeast?
Sherry: I'm in Texas.
Rhonda: Okay. There are so many organizations, Lions Club, Rotary, Chambers, that needs speakers. Do not hesitate to get a booking six to eight months in advance. Just start collecting them, because bottom line is, you speak to one Rotary, you're going to speak to them all. You're going to speak to one Chamber, you're going to speak to them all. If you don't, you're not that good, because I've done this. I spoke for free for two years, and literally probably spoke to every Chamber of Commerce in Southern California, every Rotary Club, every Lion's Club, because what they do is they literally go, “oh, well you should talk to this Rotary Club,” because they share speakers. They definitely share speakers. Do you have a flyer or a handout or brochure of some sort that talks about what you do?
Sherry: What I speak on?
Rhonda: Yes.
Sherry: Yes.
Rhonda: Okay. First of all, what I really would invite you to do is eliminate the word motivational speaker.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: This is just me, Rhonda Britten's, feelings. Motivational speaker is definitely overused, and it puts you in the category of “rah, rah, rah.” Now maybe you are “rah, rah, rah.” I'm not sure. I'm not “rah, rah, rah.” I'm very content driven, and yeah, you're going to be motivated and inspiration driven after you hear me, but the word motivation for some people has a very negative connotation. So what I would invite you to do, are you willing to share with me your topic title?
Sherry: See, I've got a number of them.
Rhonda: Okay. Do you have one main one?
Sherry: It's probably ...
Rhonda: And you don't have to say it, because this is taped so just whether you feel comfortable or not ...
Sherry: Yes, I do. It's “Smashing Through Obstacles: Going After What You Want.” I'm a black belt in Taekwondo.
Rhonda: Oh, great, great. Do you have a picture of you doing Taekwondo on your handout?
Sherry: Not on all my handouts. It's on my website.
Rhonda: It's on your website. Do you have it on whatever you hand out? Whenever you meet somebody. Is it on your business card?
Sherry: No.
Rhonda: I'm just wondering, and again, this is just our first conversation, so this is just me going off the cuff. I'm almost wondering if that's what sets yourself apart. It's kind of corny. It's on the cornier side, but it's also something that you use. Do you use metaphors in your talk about Taekwondo?
Sherry: Yes.
Rhonda: Well, it just seems to me, that I know very few speakers that are experts in Taekwondo, and it seems a very powerful vision of a woman taking a very powerful stance and saying ... Coming from the framework, frame of mind where I know how to do this because I've done it. Not only in my personal life, not only in the business place, but also with my physical life, because I can do this. Kind of like you're one of the boys. You're one of the boys, you can do that physical stuff.
Sherry: But do I need to turn it around so that, put more of a focus towards them instead of saying I did this and I did that, like especially the title.
Rhonda: Absolutely. I mean “smashing through walls,” what is the result? What is it that they want? What is smashing through walls? Maybe your title is “No Obstacles” or “Obstacle Free.” It's like you have to go for what you specifically do.
My first title was “Are You Waiting for a Miracle?” because people go like, “Yeah, I am, yeah I am.” Well, great because I'm here to have you alter that and actually achieve your miracles rather than just waiting for one. Then, of course, that mutated into “Fearless Living®.” Don't hesitate to change your titles of your talks as you embody them more and get more insight. Don't hold on to them. How many topics do you have?
Sherry: I have about eight.
Rhonda: Okay, too many. People don't know what to do.
Sherry: Okay. How many should I cut it down to?
Rhonda: I would get it down to three, and I would have one emphasized and the other two ... One emphasized and the other two in minor text because unless you're an established speaker, they don't know what to do then. They're confused. “Well, what topic should I have? Which one's her best? What should I do?”
You can have a main topic and if you want to have the two sub ones and then say individual, personalized, personalized speeches or more topics are available depending on your needs or something to that effect.
Sherry: Okay, so I shouldn't try to be all things to all people.
Rhonda: Oh, gosh. No. You are definitely going to be a generalist then, and you are going to be considered a dime a dozen. You must, must, must separate yourself. And I think that's the first question you asked me. How can you differentiate yourself? Taekwondo will differentiate yourself right then and there, and cutting down your topics so they're very, very specific, very specific, is going to support you in getting more business and it will start branding you.
If you're everything to everyone, there's no branding. You're not branded. You have to come up with a way to brand yourself, and so whether it's the image of you in your Taekwondo outfit doing something, or whether it's some sort of something in that frame of mind, that reference, referencing that. That's going to set you apart. And then you're going to become “oh, that chick that does karate.” They're not necessarily going to say Taekwondo, but “hey, it's that chick that does that thing. Let's get her.” Does that make sense?
Sherry: Okay. Yeah, it does.
Rhonda: Okay, great. Well, our time is up, Sherry. Are you complete?
Sherry: Yes.
Rhonda: Okay. Thank you so much.
Sherry: Thank you, Rhonda.
CALLER TWO
Rhonda: How can I support you today?
Speaker 1: Well, Rhonda, I had a new Client come in that I'm working with now, and the area that she wants me to help her with is at the beginning of the year she became involved in a network marketing program.
Rhonda: Great.
Speaker 1: And my Wheel of Fears started coming up because of that. I know I can support her in it, but my Wheel of Fear came up because I, in the years past, I had tried to work in network marketing and was not very successful at it. I talked to her, I had a free Session with her last night, and I gave her exercises and homework to do to help her to support her and move her through it. But the challenge that I'm having is that in future Sessions is I see my fears starting to come up and how successful a Coach can I be? My fear comes up, and then I keep running back at, “well, I never did very well at that so how can I support her in doing that?”
Rhonda: Yes. Well, you said it brilliantly. And I'll just say the word that you didn't use yet. It's called judgment. So you're having a judgment against yourself, and therefore you didn't do very good. Maybe we had positive negative experiences no matter what, you weren't successful. Therefore, if you're not successful at something, you can't help other people. So that's a judgment. Now have you ever heard “what we can't do, we teach?”
Speaker 1: Yes.
Rhonda: Okay, great. So many times we, on a reality based level in our own lives, may be not successful doing what we're practicing sometimes. But the bottom line, it doesn't mean we still don't have the skill in order to help somebody else.
So your opportunity is going, you could actually speak the truth and say, “wow, I am so fortunate to be able to coach you on this because this is something that's very dear and near to my heart and I'm just so excited about it.” Now she doesn't have to know that you're going to be healed by this by working with her, but it's something that you can say, “this is so exciting, I'm so looking forward to supporting you,” because in your mind and your life, you're actually going to learn how to better support yourself by supporting her. By removing your judgment. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1: Okay. Absolutely.
Rhonda: What your opportunity is, is okay, it's not whether you were successful or not, it's like do you know how to coach?
Speaker 1: Yes.
Rhonda: And do you have skills now that you didn't have those years ago?
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I have skills.
Rhonda: Great. So if you have the skill base, and if you lean on your skills and those tools you have, those skills and tools are going to support you in the areas where fear comes up for you. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1: Absolutely. Thank you.
Rhonda: Is there anything else I could support you with? Are you complete?
Speaker 1: I'm complete, Rhonda.
Rhonda: Okay, great. Thank you.
Speaker 1: You're the greatest Coach in the world.
Rhonda: Thank you.
CALLER THREE
Rhonda: How can I serve you, Jerrilyn?
Jerrilyn: Well, I have a Client that is pretty much stuck in her story, and I've tried various things. She went through a pretty traumatic job release earlier this year, just a couple months ago, where she walked away from a very abusive job situation, hasn't been able to find another job. So she's really in fear about that and wants to keep going back to “but I had to leave this job” and telling me why, and ...
Rhonda: Okay, so stop. What I invite you to do is a couple things. One is when she starts telling you a story, do you ask her what she learned from the job?
Jerrilyn: I have asked her that, and we still go forward and then she always goes back.
Rhonda: Okay. What I invite you to do, every time she goes back you have to correct her and go “Excuse me, I'm sorry, I just wanted to know 10 things that you really learned from this job.” Then, what I do in these types of situations I say, “Do you want your past job to control you or do you want to control your future jobs?” And she says, “Well, I want to control my future jobs.” “Great. Then let's hear your past experience as a playground for you to learn new communication skills, because do you think it's communication skills that kept you in this abusive relationship at work?” “Yes, it is.” That's the only thing she doesn't know how to do, she doesn't know how to put boundaries in place. She doesn't know how to communicate. So I would use those examples as teaching her how to do it.
And then if she says, “Well, but the person, the person, the person.” “Okay, you're going to allow a person to run your life, or are you going to choose to run your life? It's your choice. You can do either one you want.” And don't give any credence to the abusive relationship. You can go “got it, uh-huh,” but don't go, “Ohhh, really? Oh, wow, yeah. Mmm. Oh wow, you're really brave to go through that. Ohhh.” It's not brave to go through an emotionally abusive relationship.
It's basically people go through emotionally abusive relationships because they don't have the skills to get out, or the confidence to get out. So it's “yes, congratulations that you made it through.” Absolutely we can say congratulations for that. And then it's “do you want to make a new choice? Or do you want to keep using this story to keep you stuck? It's your choice.”
Jerrilyn: Okay, so I say that to her, just give an example, and she gets angry and reacts.
Rhonda: Great. So what's the anger about?
Jerrilyn: Okay. That would be the next question.
Rhonda: So she gets angry. Okay, so wow. This is really, wow. Where'd this come from? What's this anger about? “Well, I can't believe that you think that I caused the emotionally abusive relationship.” “Hey, I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I said that what do you think you're ... what did you think ... why do you think you stayed? If you knew this was emotionally abusive, why did you stay?” “Because it was the only job.” “So it's the only job in the entire city where you work that you could do?” “Well, it's the one I had and it's hard to find another job.”
“And then are you making that up or is that a fact?” “Well, I'm trying to find one now and it's hard.” “And why do you think it's hard now?” “Well, because I just came from this awful relationship.” “Yes. So is this past job choosing your future for you?” “Oh, uh, ohhh.” “So I'm going to ask you again, is your past job choosing your future for you? And until we heal the past, do you think you're going to have the confidence, do you have the confidence to get a new job?” “Well, no. I'm really hurt from the past relationship.” “Great. Congratulations that you know that. And again, do you want that to run your life? Do you want that to choose your future?”
Jerrilyn: Good. Good.
Rhonda: It's all about not giving her the sympathy for going through this horrible thing. It's about understanding that she went through this horrible thing, and supporting her in the realization that the only reason that she went through this horrible thing is because of confidence, lack of confidence, lack of skills.
I mean, she's not the only one to go through an emotional work relationship, and/or emotional relationship, period, whether it's work or home. So, it doesn't make people bad people. It's just lack of skills. I mean, I went through one, and it was my lack of confidence, and my lack of willing to be rejected. And so, that's the thing. We must train her, support her in learning, so that the next job doesn't seem scary. The next job, she's actually excited to practice these new skills.
Jerrilyn: Okay. Okay. So, I'm hearing there's a fine line between ... Well, maybe not even a fine line, but that line that we don't cross, between sympathy and understanding.
Rhonda: Yes.
Jerrilyn: We want to help guide them into, "What were the gifts that came from this relationship, from this situation, and how can you use that to better your future?"
Rhonda: Yes.
Jerrilyn: Okay.
Rhonda: And, "Give me a typical situation that keeps going over and over in your mind. So, you keep bringing up this past relationship at work that was abusive. Great. Just tell me one of the typical things. Great. Let's figure out how to do it next time, if that happened to you."
Jerrilyn: Okay. Okay.
Rhonda: So if she keeps bringing up something, or keeps going back to it, go, "Okay. I want you to pick one of the things that always happened. A typical thing." "Well, you know. He always called me stupid." "Great. That's perfect." "Well, it didn't feel good." "Oh, I know. But do you want people to call you stupid from now on?" "No." "Great. So, let's practice what you could do if somebody called you stupid in the future."
Jerrilyn: Good.
Rhonda: "So if I called you stupid, what are some things you could say to me?" "Well, I don't know. I freeze." "Great. Congratulations. At least you know you freeze. Now let's memorize something. Because when you freeze, you forget everything. So let's memorize something, just until you start building your confidence. Maybe something you could say is, 'It's not acceptable to call me a name.'" Now, if this person says, "I'm not stupid," then they're reacting, and the other person would be like, "Yes, you are." It's not about whether she's stupid or not. It's not about the truth of stupid or not. It's about, that's not acceptable.
Jerrilyn: Okay. Drawing a boundary.
Rhonda: Absolutely. And I'm sure that's where she has a difficult time in other areas of her life, so then you say, "Great. Are there other people? Let's put the job aside. Is there any other relationships in your life right now, where you feel that you could be taking on more than you need to?" "Is there a place where maybe you're feeling like you put somebody else first, or maybe you're feeling like a doormat, or you're feeling frustrated, or ... "
Jerrilyn: And absolutely, she would say yes to that, because she talks about her job and her friends.
Rhonda: Great.
Jerrilyn: Yeah.
Rhonda: "So, isn't it funny? I find it interesting that you have the same complaint about your job and your friends. What does that say?"
Jerrilyn: She's the common denominator.
Rhonda: Exactly. And so, do you want to keep your friends? "Well, I don't know. Well, yes. I want to keep my friends." "Great. Do you want to keep the friends, the way they are right now? Do you want to keep the relationships exactly the way it is now?" "Well, no." "Great. So, what do you want the relationship to be like?" "Well, I want it to be that I can talk to them, and I want it to be like this, and I want it to be like that." "Great. Are you willing to put the skills in action in order to have that, and are you willing to actually change friends, if that need be?"
Jerrilyn: Okay. We've been brainstorming ways for her to go out and meet new people.
Rhonda: Yes, but meeting new people is not going to help her, until she solves the problem with her friends.
Jerrilyn: Good point.
Rhonda: So, it's simultaneous. You're always working on two levels. One is the present, and one is ... You know, moving her towards the future, and one is the present. So the present is, if she doesn't like the friends she has now, or has trouble with her friends now, then how is she going to have a different relationship with future friends, if she doesn't learn the skills now? So, using the friends she has now to learn the skills. Have her come back with a situation every week. Coach her on it. A new way to communicate, boundaries in place. Listen to whether she gets angry or defensive. You know, what are her fear responses?
Jerrilyn: Yeah. Definitely.
Rhonda: Great. Then, how easy it is. I would ask her how easy it is to be a friend with somebody who's defensive all the time.
Jerrilyn: That's good.
Rhonda: Then at the same time, you're going to look for new friends. But both have to happen. Otherwise, her next friends are going to be exactly like her new friends. Her old job is going to be exactly like her new job. So, you use what is as examples to learn new skills, and then you move them forward.
Jerrilyn: Okay.
Rhonda: Got it?
Jerrilyn: I do. This is great.
Rhonda: Great. Good work.
Jerrilyn: Thank you.
Rhonda: Thank you.
Jerrilyn: Oh, have a great day.
Rhonda: Thank you.
Jerrilyn: Bye.
CALLER FOUR
Rhonda: How can I support you today?
Speaker 4: Well, Rhonda, I want to know if you have a master plan or if you're just making it up as you go.
Rhonda: That's such a great question, because I basically make it up as I go. And yes, do I have things that I see in my future? You know, maybe my own television show, get on the radio to have my own radio show again, which I love doing. Obviously, I'm writing my third book. There are things that are in the process. Sure, do I want to do corporate.
But, bottom line is, I really allow the process to take hold of me, rather than controlling the process. That means I'm free to create. That means I'm free to listen. That means I'm free to be flexible in how I coach, and what my coaching practice is. Because bottom line is, when I began my coaching practice, I thought I was going to work one on one. If you would have said to me, "In eight years, you're going to be writing books and speaking to crowds," I would have been like, "What are you, nuts? I'm a Coach. I'm a one-on-one Coach. That's what I do. That's all I do." I had no vision of seminars. I had no vision of speaking. No vision of books or TV or radio. None of that.
So, because I fully committed to the one-on one-coaching, an opportunity for seminars came up, and with reluctance, I eventually did it, and I learned, "Wow. I love this." I started doing seminars, and really just started taking them on, and did the one on ones. And from doing my seminars, I thought to myself, "Gee. I should start speaking to clubs, because they'll come to my seminars." And that's how I started speaking. Again, no other reason than to build my existing practice. No big plan of, "I'm going to be the best speaker in the whole world." You know, I was just doing the next step.
So, it's about really being present in the moment, and being willing to stay true to your intention, yet being flexible inside that intention, so that you can move where it's clear you're getting opportunities, so you can take them.
Speaker 4: Great.
Rhonda: Does that support you?
Speaker 4: Yes, it does.
Rhonda: Great. Are you complete?
Speaker 4: Yes, I am.
Rhonda: Great. Thank you.
Speaker 4: Thank you.
CALLER FIVE
Rhonda: How can I support you?
Speaker 5: My question is, when a Client brings up an issue that they're dealing with, and it happens to be an entrenched issue for you that you're currently dealing with ...
Rhonda: Yes.
Speaker 5: How do you support yourself during the call, to make sure that you can support your Client, and not get triggered yourself?
Rhonda: Well, let's get over the fallacy that you won't get triggered, because you might get triggered. So, great. So, you're triggered. It's always an opportunity when you're triggered. Can you still support your Client? Absolutely. Do you still know what you know? Absolutely. Are you going to give the greatest coaching in the world? Maybe. Maybe you'll get the best Coach in the world.
Another way to deal with it is to actually say, "Wow. You know what? That's so funny. This is happening exactly to me. Let me tell you what I'm going through." And you actually include yourself in the conversation. Now, I only invite you to do that if you've actually healed yourself, or are actually at the other end of it. You know, I don't want you to talk about something that you're actually actively in the middle of hell with.
Speaker 5: Right.
Rhonda: Only if you've moved through it. So, let's say you're in the middle of hell in something, and they just go ... You know, maybe your boyfriend just broke up with you, and they say, "Oh, my boyfriend just broke up with me." And, you know, "The jerk." And you think your boyfriend's a jerk, and yes, and so you get to actually coach. What a great gift this is. You get to coach yourself, using this other person. You get to tell them everything that is the truth, that you know is the truth, somewhere inside of you, in order to support your own healing.
Obviously if you're in the middle of stuff, you can automatically ... There's certain things you can count on. You can automatically go to gratitude. You can automatically go to acknowledgement. You can automatically say, "Well, is this empowering you or disempowering you?" You can automatically go to some skills that you can count on. Go to expectation. And you can just move on to a topic that you know that you can count on yourself. And any topic, let's say it's the boyfriend, right there you could talk about expectation. You could talk about excuses. You could talk about the ... I mean, you could talk about anything.
So, just go into an area where you feel most comfortable. That's another way to deal with it. And then the last way is to really allow yourself to be in the midst of your own pain, and be present to somebody else. That's a great skill to learn. It's a wonderful skill to learn. Then in that moment, you're detached. You get detached from your own personal pain, and learn how to transcend it in that moment. That's a great gift that our Clients give us. That we actually get to learn how to do that, with their support. And they don't even know they're doing it.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Rhonda: Does that support you, or is there something you want more? Because I get the sense that you want something else?
Speaker 5: No, I think it does.
Rhonda: Okay.
Speaker 5: I see what you're saying. Yeah.
Rhonda: What am I saying?
Speaker 5: When it comes up to go somewhere where you're going to be able to support them. So, bring up things ... Even though it's a situation that you may feel similar pain in, go to what can you be grateful for, or what can I be grateful for in the situation.
Rhonda: Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 5: And in turn, that's supporting you in thinking, "Yeah, I can be grateful for that, too."
Rhonda: Yes. It's also a matter of, now you get to trust if you're really a good Coach. You know, bottom line is, my life may be upside down, and I might be going through a personal, challenging, challenging time. And you might bring up a situation for me as a Client, but bottom line is, I have learned to trust that no matter what's going on in my personal life, I can be present with you and coach you. So, even though it's present ... Even though I can taste it. It's present for me. I can still stay present with you, in your pain. And yes, mine's here. Mine's with me. But it doesn't consume me, and it doesn't decide that moment that it's going to get more attention than the person in front of you.
So again, it's another opportunity to practice being present. Can you be fully present with your Client, and be in the midst of your own pain? And the answer is yes. That's something that you can practice, learn to do, and then trust that you do it, even when you feel like, "Wow, I had a horrible Session. I was totally in my stuff." You know what? Bottom line is, those Sessions your Client will go, "Wow. Wow, that Session was so great." Because you were really right there with them.
Speaker 5: Okay.
Rhonda: Does that make sense?
Speaker 5: Yes. A lot of sense. Thank you.
Rhonda: You're welcome.
Listen to the full episode here.
Rhonda: Welcome to Season Four of Master Coach Mindset™. Hi, my name is Rhonda Britten, and this Season I'm going to be opening up my archives and sharing the most popular questions I have received over the last two decades from Coaches just like you. Whether it's about the “Art of Coaching,” or addressing your Clients' questions about relationships, career, or self. Plus, I will be answering the questions you have right now about your practice and your Clients.
So, go ahead and ask me anything at MasterCoachMindset.com. That's right, go visit MasterCoachMindset.com and click on “Ask Rhonda Anything,” and go ahead and ask. In today's Episode, I'll be sharing my answers to your questions straight from my archives. The topic today: “The Art of Coaching.”
CALLER ONE:
Rhonda: Hey, how can I support you?
Sherry: Oh, okay. This is Rhonda I take it?
Rhonda: Yes, it is.
Sherry: I saw you a couple of years ago at The Novo, and I forget what city and I absolutely adore you.
Rhonda: Thank you.
Sherry: I've got three questions.
Rhonda: Yes.
Sherry: I am an Executive Coach, and when I talk to people, my tagline is, “Who do you vent to? Who do you tell your problems to?” That type of thing. I don't know what else to say, and I don't know how I can close the sale.
Rhonda: Well, first of all, are you talking about corporations of executive Coaches? Are you working with VPs? Who's paying you? Is it the individual, or the corporation?
Sherry: In most cases, it would be the same. I'm targeting women business owners.
Rhonda: Okay. If there's women business owners ... Under a million dollars a year?
Sherry: Yes.
Rhonda: Okay. At the time, who do you vent to, is not necessarily enough. It's not a solution-oriented.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: It doesn't make me feel like you're going to also help me solve my problems, which I am uncomfortable talking to about with anybody else, because none of my friends understand.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: It's almost as if what I'm hearing, is what you want to do, is be the person that, I'm going to go around about and get to the end eventually, but it's like you're going to go around about and say, "Okay." Depending on what they say, is that you're going to be the person to support them, in taking that leadership position, and maximize it to the full potential, while supporting their humanity.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: It's more of a, “look I need somebody to talk to.” That's the problem I have. There's so few people that understand where I am, and it is epidemic for CEOs. CEOs, people that own their own businesses have few places. So, your service is needed is what I'm getting at, and what I want to do is, if I invest my money, I don't need to vent. I need solutions. You and I both know they're going to vent, yet that's not what they're willing to pay for. Especially if they're women business owners, they're on tight budgets because they're trying to build their business. So, it really has to come from a place of that you can help build their business while supporting them, as being human, or however you would word that in your own personal way. Does that make sense?
Sherry: Yes it does.
Rhonda: Because if I have so little money ... I'm your Client right now. I'm your Client. I'm a woman business owner. I make good money, but not a millionaire, and I got some money. I could use a Coach, but venting isn't enough for me. I want to make sure you're going to increase my business if I'm going to use you. You and I both know that business will increase if they have somebody to discuss things with.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: So for you and more than anyone, you would be focused on results per se, while other Coaches might be focused when they're pitching, or speaking to somebody on the process.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: Because they're so tight. They're tight on time. They're tight on money. They're trying to build. It's all about focusing on it because that mindset is all about, how can I become more profitable? How can I be better?
Sherry: Okay. Wow. Until I look at it. This is great.
Rhonda: Does that make sense to you?
Sherry: It makes a lot of sense.
Rhonda: I would invite you to eliminate the thinking of closing the sale because that just gets in the sales mentality, and of people that are at the Executive Coach level, like yourself, and people that I'm going to go to, like you for this particular job, it's a very intimate relationship.
I'm going to tell you about my business. I'm going to tell you about the money I'm making. I'm not making. I'm going to tell you how my relationships suck. It's very intimate. Any sales mentality is going to make me think, that I'm part of a math project, and if it's my business, it's my baby, and it has to feel very intimate. It has to feel like they're it, that they're the only ones because then I feel like you're going to give me the time and the attention, and, of course, I was focused on why you focus on women business.
Obviously, I'm going to think you will have a business of your own, or I've done that, or have experience with that so that I can use that. So, something very important is, if you've had any major accomplishments in your life. Whether you've had a company of 1.5 million or built a section of a corporation into 20 million, or anything of that sort. That's something that you can at the tip of the tongue, to support them, and that you do know how to do this.
Sherry: Okay. So, I should not be aggressive, and I don't want to say pursuing them...
Rhonda: No, absolutely not.
Sherry: ... asking them. Just keep it low key and let them make the first move to hire me, to come to me.
Rhonda: It's kind of like a dance. Are you networking to get most of your Clients at this point?
Sherry: Yes, I am.
Rhonda: Okay, and you belong to networking organizations?
Sherry: That I do, yeah.
Rhonda: Okay great, because I would think that would be a very fruitful place for you. The thing with the networking organizations, everybody wants everybody to buy from them. So, your opportunity, when you go, and you pitch yourself, so to speak, and you have your 30 seconds, you're all about results. When you give your pitch; it's not like, “I'm here to let you say it, just support you.” Because in their mind right now, it's their mother or their best friend that can do that.
Now, you and I both know that's not actually true, the way you're going to do it, but that's what they think. So, when you're talking about yourself in those 30 second, or 10 second meeting, you know those 10 second moments, that you have at this 30 seconds, it really is about, I just want to tell you a story about a Client of mine. She went from a half a million in sales, to a million in sales in six months, based on our work together, and that's what I can do for you.
Sherry: Really?
Rhonda: Because that's going to make me sit up, and notice. If you're not going to go for numbers, you can say, I had a woman business owner, that was frazzled, has three kids, feeling very pressured, unable to complete, feel good about herself in work, and in her home, and within three months of working together, not only is she personally satisfied and having extraordinary results at work, but she's also having more love in her family, because that's what I do.
So, whatever you really focus on, and again, I do agree that yes, they're going to come to you. You have to make yourself available, and I would definitely, probably if there's an opportunity, go to coffee or lunch, but definitely, I would wait for them to come to you, because if you go after them, and they're not actually going to be as committed, because they don't think they need you.
You can make an easy, by giving the first Session, 30 minutes or 40 minutes, whatever you do. Make sure that that that's on your business card, or on your flyer or on your handout, or whatever your opportunities for marketing are. Say, let me help you. Let me help you, master business and family, or whatever your expertise is, and to support you and knowing what I do, and seeing if we're a good match, 30 minute free Session, or 45, or an hour.
So, it's about not like, see if I'm for you. No, it's like, see if we're a good match, because that's again, a more powerful stance.
[00:08:47] My attitude, and this is how I train my Coaches, they definitely never call a Client. That's my philosophy. Do you return a call? Of course. If somebody says, “please call me.” I always go, “you know what? Here's my number. You call me when you're ready.” I don't say, okay. I go, “okay, you know what? I think what would really support our relationship is, I'm going to give you my number, and here it is, and you call me whenever you're ready to have an intro talk, for a free Session,” or however you want to frame it. I say that right up front. People said that to me all the time. “Oh Rhonda, would you call me?” No. No, I'm not going to call you. I'm not going to call them. I'm not. Because then that puts me in the position of, that I'm going to babysit. I want to go right away in the relationship, very, very powerfully.
It's accountability because that's what you're about, Sherry. That's what you're about. So, it's accountability. So, immediately you have to put it into their hands and say, “I look forward to your call and I cannot wait to support you in this. We are going to do magic together.” Or however you want to phrase it, and then you hand them the card and smile whenever you see them. Then you can go up to them, if you're at a networking meeting, and say, “How are things going?” Just as you would to just anybody, but never mentioning your business unless you're in a relationship where it's kind of like a joke of the day. “Oh, okay. Well, I'm going to hire you someday, Sherry, just not yet. Okay. Well, whenever you're ready.” Does that make sense?
Sherry: It does.
Rhonda: How many Clients do you have right now?
Sherry: I've got about three.
Rhonda: Okay, and do you want to do this full time?
Sherry: Yes.
Rhonda: Okay, and how many Clients are you going for?
Sherry: Full time, yes, but I'm doing other things. I'd like to have, I guess about 10 or 15.
Rhonda: Okay, great.
Sherry: Which would be pretty much all that I could handle.
Rhonda: Great. Well, there's no reason why you can't do that within the next three months.
Sherry: Okay. I'm a Certified Woman Business Enterprise, and I was just at a networking lunch, and so to speak, and I've got follow-up to do this weekend. I typically just drop people a note. “It's nice to see you, Bob. Nice to meet you, Blah Blah Blah,” and will incorporate some of this stuff.
Along those lines, I'm also a motivational speaker, and I know I am very good at what I do. How do I set myself apart, from the other people to get the speaking jobs? At the rotaries, all the women's organizations you have to speak to you to kind of get your way up.
Rhonda: What area do you live in? Midwest? Southeast?
Sherry: I'm in Texas.
Rhonda: Okay. There are so many organizations, Lions Club, Rotary, Chambers, that needs speakers. Do not hesitate to get a booking six to eight months in advance. Just start collecting them, because bottom line is, you speak to one Rotary, you're going to speak to them all. You're going to speak to one Chamber, you're going to speak to them all. If you don't, you're not that good, because I've done this. I spoke for free for two years, and literally probably spoke to every Chamber of Commerce in Southern California, every Rotary Club, every Lion's Club, because what they do is they literally go, “oh, well you should talk to this Rotary Club,” because they share speakers. They definitely share speakers. Do you have a flyer or a handout or brochure of some sort that talks about what you do?
Sherry: What I speak on?
Rhonda: Yes.
Sherry: Yes.
Rhonda: Okay. First of all, what I really would invite you to do is eliminate the word motivational speaker.
Sherry: Okay.
Rhonda: This is just me, Rhonda Britten's, feelings. Motivational speaker is definitely overused, and it puts you in the category of “rah, rah, rah.” Now maybe you are “rah, rah, rah.” I'm not sure. I'm not “rah, rah, rah.” I'm very content driven, and yeah, you're going to be motivated and inspiration driven after you hear me, but the word motivation for some people has a very negative connotation. So what I would invite you to do, are you willing to share with me your topic title?
Sherry: See, I've got a number of them.
Rhonda: Okay. Do you have one main one?
Sherry: It's probably ...
Rhonda: And you don't have to say it, because this is taped so just whether you feel comfortable or not ...
Sherry: Yes, I do. It's “Smashing Through Obstacles: Going After What You Want.” I'm a black belt in Taekwondo.
Rhonda: Oh, great, great. Do you have a picture of you doing Taekwondo on your handout?
Sherry: Not on all my handouts. It's on my website.
Rhonda: It's on your website. Do you have it on whatever you hand out? Whenever you meet somebody. Is it on your business card?
Sherry: No.
Rhonda: I'm just wondering, and again, this is just our first conversation, so this is just me going off the cuff. I'm almost wondering if that's what sets yourself apart. It's kind of corny. It's on the cornier side, but it's also something that you use. Do you use metaphors in your talk about Taekwondo?
Sherry: Yes.
Rhonda: Well, it just seems to me, that I know very few speakers that are experts in Taekwondo, and it seems a very powerful vision of a woman taking a very powerful stance and saying ... Coming from the framework, frame of mind where I know how to do this because I've done it. Not only in my personal life, not only in the business place, but also with my physical life, because I can do this. Kind of like you're one of the boys. You're one of the boys, you can do that physical stuff.
Sherry: But do I need to turn it around so that, put more of a focus towards them instead of saying I did this and I did that, like especially the title.
Rhonda: Absolutely. I mean “smashing through walls,” what is the result? What is it that they want? What is smashing through walls? Maybe your title is “No Obstacles” or “Obstacle Free.” It's like you have to go for what you specifically do.
My first title was “Are You Waiting for a Miracle?” because people go like, “Yeah, I am, yeah I am.” Well, great because I'm here to have you alter that and actually achieve your miracles rather than just waiting for one. Then, of course, that mutated into “Fearless Living®.” Don't hesitate to change your titles of your talks as you embody them more and get more insight. Don't hold on to them. How many topics do you have?
Sherry: I have about eight.
Rhonda: Okay, too many. People don't know what to do.
Sherry: Okay. How many should I cut it down to?
Rhonda: I would get it down to three, and I would have one emphasized and the other two ... One emphasized and the other two in minor text because unless you're an established speaker, they don't know what to do then. They're confused. “Well, what topic should I have? Which one's her best? What should I do?”
You can have a main topic and if you want to have the two sub ones and then say individual, personalized, personalized speeches or more topics are available depending on your needs or something to that effect.
Sherry: Okay, so I shouldn't try to be all things to all people.
Rhonda: Oh, gosh. No. You are definitely going to be a generalist then, and you are going to be considered a dime a dozen. You must, must, must separate yourself. And I think that's the first question you asked me. How can you differentiate yourself? Taekwondo will differentiate yourself right then and there, and cutting down your topics so they're very, very specific, very specific, is going to support you in getting more business and it will start branding you.
If you're everything to everyone, there's no branding. You're not branded. You have to come up with a way to brand yourself, and so whether it's the image of you in your Taekwondo outfit doing something, or whether it's some sort of something in that frame of mind, that reference, referencing that. That's going to set you apart. And then you're going to become “oh, that chick that does karate.” They're not necessarily going to say Taekwondo, but “hey, it's that chick that does that thing. Let's get her.” Does that make sense?
Sherry: Okay. Yeah, it does.
Rhonda: Okay, great. Well, our time is up, Sherry. Are you complete?
Sherry: Yes.
Rhonda: Okay. Thank you so much.
Sherry: Thank you, Rhonda.
CALLER TWO
Rhonda: How can I support you today?
Speaker 1: Well, Rhonda, I had a new Client come in that I'm working with now, and the area that she wants me to help her with is at the beginning of the year she became involved in a network marketing program.
Rhonda: Great.
Speaker 1: And my Wheel of Fears started coming up because of that. I know I can support her in it, but my Wheel of Fear came up because I, in the years past, I had tried to work in network marketing and was not very successful at it. I talked to her, I had a free Session with her last night, and I gave her exercises and homework to do to help her to support her and move her through it. But the challenge that I'm having is that in future Sessions is I see my fears starting to come up and how successful a Coach can I be? My fear comes up, and then I keep running back at, “well, I never did very well at that so how can I support her in doing that?”
Rhonda: Yes. Well, you said it brilliantly. And I'll just say the word that you didn't use yet. It's called judgment. So you're having a judgment against yourself, and therefore you didn't do very good. Maybe we had positive negative experiences no matter what, you weren't successful. Therefore, if you're not successful at something, you can't help other people. So that's a judgment. Now have you ever heard “what we can't do, we teach?”
Speaker 1: Yes.
Rhonda: Okay, great. So many times we, on a reality based level in our own lives, may be not successful doing what we're practicing sometimes. But the bottom line, it doesn't mean we still don't have the skill in order to help somebody else.
So your opportunity is going, you could actually speak the truth and say, “wow, I am so fortunate to be able to coach you on this because this is something that's very dear and near to my heart and I'm just so excited about it.” Now she doesn't have to know that you're going to be healed by this by working with her, but it's something that you can say, “this is so exciting, I'm so looking forward to supporting you,” because in your mind and your life, you're actually going to learn how to better support yourself by supporting her. By removing your judgment. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1: Okay. Absolutely.
Rhonda: What your opportunity is, is okay, it's not whether you were successful or not, it's like do you know how to coach?
Speaker 1: Yes.
Rhonda: And do you have skills now that you didn't have those years ago?
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I have skills.
Rhonda: Great. So if you have the skill base, and if you lean on your skills and those tools you have, those skills and tools are going to support you in the areas where fear comes up for you. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1: Absolutely. Thank you.
Rhonda: Is there anything else I could support you with? Are you complete?
Speaker 1: I'm complete, Rhonda.
Rhonda: Okay, great. Thank you.
Speaker 1: You're the greatest Coach in the world.
Rhonda: Thank you.
CALLER THREE
Rhonda: How can I serve you, Jerrilyn?
Jerrilyn: Well, I have a Client that is pretty much stuck in her story, and I've tried various things. She went through a pretty traumatic job release earlier this year, just a couple months ago, where she walked away from a very abusive job situation, hasn't been able to find another job. So she's really in fear about that and wants to keep going back to “but I had to leave this job” and telling me why, and ...
Rhonda: Okay, so stop. What I invite you to do is a couple things. One is when she starts telling you a story, do you ask her what she learned from the job?
Jerrilyn: I have asked her that, and we still go forward and then she always goes back.
Rhonda: Okay. What I invite you to do, every time she goes back you have to correct her and go “Excuse me, I'm sorry, I just wanted to know 10 things that you really learned from this job.” Then, what I do in these types of situations I say, “Do you want your past job to control you or do you want to control your future jobs?” And she says, “Well, I want to control my future jobs.” “Great. Then let's hear your past experience as a playground for you to learn new communication skills, because do you think it's communication skills that kept you in this abusive relationship at work?” “Yes, it is.” That's the only thing she doesn't know how to do, she doesn't know how to put boundaries in place. She doesn't know how to communicate. So I would use those examples as teaching her how to do it.
And then if she says, “Well, but the person, the person, the person.” “Okay, you're going to allow a person to run your life, or are you going to choose to run your life? It's your choice. You can do either one you want.” And don't give any credence to the abusive relationship. You can go “got it, uh-huh,” but don't go, “Ohhh, really? Oh, wow, yeah. Mmm. Oh wow, you're really brave to go through that. Ohhh.” It's not brave to go through an emotionally abusive relationship.
It's basically people go through emotionally abusive relationships because they don't have the skills to get out, or the confidence to get out. So it's “yes, congratulations that you made it through.” Absolutely we can say congratulations for that. And then it's “do you want to make a new choice? Or do you want to keep using this story to keep you stuck? It's your choice.”
Jerrilyn: Okay, so I say that to her, just give an example, and she gets angry and reacts.
Rhonda: Great. So what's the anger about?
Jerrilyn: Okay. That would be the next question.
Rhonda: So she gets angry. Okay, so wow. This is really, wow. Where'd this come from? What's this anger about? “Well, I can't believe that you think that I caused the emotionally abusive relationship.” “Hey, I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I said that what do you think you're ... what did you think ... why do you think you stayed? If you knew this was emotionally abusive, why did you stay?” “Because it was the only job.” “So it's the only job in the entire city where you work that you could do?” “Well, it's the one I had and it's hard to find another job.”
“And then are you making that up or is that a fact?” “Well, I'm trying to find one now and it's hard.” “And why do you think it's hard now?” “Well, because I just came from this awful relationship.” “Yes. So is this past job choosing your future for you?” “Oh, uh, ohhh.” “So I'm going to ask you again, is your past job choosing your future for you? And until we heal the past, do you think you're going to have the confidence, do you have the confidence to get a new job?” “Well, no. I'm really hurt from the past relationship.” “Great. Congratulations that you know that. And again, do you want that to run your life? Do you want that to choose your future?”
Jerrilyn: Good. Good.
Rhonda: It's all about not giving her the sympathy for going through this horrible thing. It's about understanding that she went through this horrible thing, and supporting her in the realization that the only reason that she went through this horrible thing is because of confidence, lack of confidence, lack of skills.
I mean, she's not the only one to go through an emotional work relationship, and/or emotional relationship, period, whether it's work or home. So, it doesn't make people bad people. It's just lack of skills. I mean, I went through one, and it was my lack of confidence, and my lack of willing to be rejected. And so, that's the thing. We must train her, support her in learning, so that the next job doesn't seem scary. The next job, she's actually excited to practice these new skills.
Jerrilyn: Okay. Okay. So, I'm hearing there's a fine line between ... Well, maybe not even a fine line, but that line that we don't cross, between sympathy and understanding.
Rhonda: Yes.
Jerrilyn: We want to help guide them into, "What were the gifts that came from this relationship, from this situation, and how can you use that to better your future?"
Rhonda: Yes.
Jerrilyn: Okay.
Rhonda: And, "Give me a typical situation that keeps going over and over in your mind. So, you keep bringing up this past relationship at work that was abusive. Great. Just tell me one of the typical things. Great. Let's figure out how to do it next time, if that happened to you."
Jerrilyn: Okay. Okay.
Rhonda: So if she keeps bringing up something, or keeps going back to it, go, "Okay. I want you to pick one of the things that always happened. A typical thing." "Well, you know. He always called me stupid." "Great. That's perfect." "Well, it didn't feel good." "Oh, I know. But do you want people to call you stupid from now on?" "No." "Great. So, let's practice what you could do if somebody called you stupid in the future."
Jerrilyn: Good.
Rhonda: "So if I called you stupid, what are some things you could say to me?" "Well, I don't know. I freeze." "Great. Congratulations. At least you know you freeze. Now let's memorize something. Because when you freeze, you forget everything. So let's memorize something, just until you start building your confidence. Maybe something you could say is, 'It's not acceptable to call me a name.'" Now, if this person says, "I'm not stupid," then they're reacting, and the other person would be like, "Yes, you are." It's not about whether she's stupid or not. It's not about the truth of stupid or not. It's about, that's not acceptable.
Jerrilyn: Okay. Drawing a boundary.
Rhonda: Absolutely. And I'm sure that's where she has a difficult time in other areas of her life, so then you say, "Great. Are there other people? Let's put the job aside. Is there any other relationships in your life right now, where you feel that you could be taking on more than you need to?" "Is there a place where maybe you're feeling like you put somebody else first, or maybe you're feeling like a doormat, or you're feeling frustrated, or ... "
Jerrilyn: And absolutely, she would say yes to that, because she talks about her job and her friends.
Rhonda: Great.
Jerrilyn: Yeah.
Rhonda: "So, isn't it funny? I find it interesting that you have the same complaint about your job and your friends. What does that say?"
Jerrilyn: She's the common denominator.
Rhonda: Exactly. And so, do you want to keep your friends? "Well, I don't know. Well, yes. I want to keep my friends." "Great. Do you want to keep the friends, the way they are right now? Do you want to keep the relationships exactly the way it is now?" "Well, no." "Great. So, what do you want the relationship to be like?" "Well, I want it to be that I can talk to them, and I want it to be like this, and I want it to be like that." "Great. Are you willing to put the skills in action in order to have that, and are you willing to actually change friends, if that need be?"
Jerrilyn: Okay. We've been brainstorming ways for her to go out and meet new people.
Rhonda: Yes, but meeting new people is not going to help her, until she solves the problem with her friends.
Jerrilyn: Good point.
Rhonda: So, it's simultaneous. You're always working on two levels. One is the present, and one is ... You know, moving her towards the future, and one is the present. So the present is, if she doesn't like the friends she has now, or has trouble with her friends now, then how is she going to have a different relationship with future friends, if she doesn't learn the skills now? So, using the friends she has now to learn the skills. Have her come back with a situation every week. Coach her on it. A new way to communicate, boundaries in place. Listen to whether she gets angry or defensive. You know, what are her fear responses?
Jerrilyn: Yeah. Definitely.
Rhonda: Great. Then, how easy it is. I would ask her how easy it is to be a friend with somebody who's defensive all the time.
Jerrilyn: That's good.
Rhonda: Then at the same time, you're going to look for new friends. But both have to happen. Otherwise, her next friends are going to be exactly like her new friends. Her old job is going to be exactly like her new job. So, you use what is as examples to learn new skills, and then you move them forward.
Jerrilyn: Okay.
Rhonda: Got it?
Jerrilyn: I do. This is great.
Rhonda: Great. Good work.
Jerrilyn: Thank you.
Rhonda: Thank you.
Jerrilyn: Oh, have a great day.
Rhonda: Thank you.
Jerrilyn: Bye.
CALLER FOUR
Rhonda: How can I support you today?
Speaker 4: Well, Rhonda, I want to know if you have a master plan or if you're just making it up as you go.
Rhonda: That's such a great question, because I basically make it up as I go. And yes, do I have things that I see in my future? You know, maybe my own television show, get on the radio to have my own radio show again, which I love doing. Obviously, I'm writing my third book. There are things that are in the process. Sure, do I want to do corporate.
But, bottom line is, I really allow the process to take hold of me, rather than controlling the process. That means I'm free to create. That means I'm free to listen. That means I'm free to be flexible in how I coach, and what my coaching practice is. Because bottom line is, when I began my coaching practice, I thought I was going to work one on one. If you would have said to me, "In eight years, you're going to be writing books and speaking to crowds," I would have been like, "What are you, nuts? I'm a Coach. I'm a one-on-one Coach. That's what I do. That's all I do." I had no vision of seminars. I had no vision of speaking. No vision of books or TV or radio. None of that.
So, because I fully committed to the one-on one-coaching, an opportunity for seminars came up, and with reluctance, I eventually did it, and I learned, "Wow. I love this." I started doing seminars, and really just started taking them on, and did the one on ones. And from doing my seminars, I thought to myself, "Gee. I should start speaking to clubs, because they'll come to my seminars." And that's how I started speaking. Again, no other reason than to build my existing practice. No big plan of, "I'm going to be the best speaker in the whole world." You know, I was just doing the next step.
So, it's about really being present in the moment, and being willing to stay true to your intention, yet being flexible inside that intention, so that you can move where it's clear you're getting opportunities, so you can take them.
Speaker 4: Great.
Rhonda: Does that support you?
Speaker 4: Yes, it does.
Rhonda: Great. Are you complete?
Speaker 4: Yes, I am.
Rhonda: Great. Thank you.
Speaker 4: Thank you.
CALLER FIVE
Rhonda: How can I support you?
Speaker 5: My question is, when a Client brings up an issue that they're dealing with, and it happens to be an entrenched issue for you that you're currently dealing with ...
Rhonda: Yes.
Speaker 5: How do you support yourself during the call, to make sure that you can support your Client, and not get triggered yourself?
Rhonda: Well, let's get over the fallacy that you won't get triggered, because you might get triggered. So, great. So, you're triggered. It's always an opportunity when you're triggered. Can you still support your Client? Absolutely. Do you still know what you know? Absolutely. Are you going to give the greatest coaching in the world? Maybe. Maybe you'll get the best Coach in the world.
Another way to deal with it is to actually say, "Wow. You know what? That's so funny. This is happening exactly to me. Let me tell you what I'm going through." And you actually include yourself in the conversation. Now, I only invite you to do that if you've actually healed yourself, or are actually at the other end of it. You know, I don't want you to talk about something that you're actually actively in the middle of hell with.
Speaker 5: Right.
Rhonda: Only if you've moved through it. So, let's say you're in the middle of hell in something, and they just go ... You know, maybe your boyfriend just broke up with you, and they say, "Oh, my boyfriend just broke up with me." And, you know, "The jerk." And you think your boyfriend's a jerk, and yes, and so you get to actually coach. What a great gift this is. You get to coach yourself, using this other person. You get to tell them everything that is the truth, that you know is the truth, somewhere inside of you, in order to support your own healing.
Obviously if you're in the middle of stuff, you can automatically ... There's certain things you can count on. You can automatically go to gratitude. You can automatically go to acknowledgement. You can automatically say, "Well, is this empowering you or disempowering you?" You can automatically go to some skills that you can count on. Go to expectation. And you can just move on to a topic that you know that you can count on yourself. And any topic, let's say it's the boyfriend, right there you could talk about expectation. You could talk about excuses. You could talk about the ... I mean, you could talk about anything.
So, just go into an area where you feel most comfortable. That's another way to deal with it. And then the last way is to really allow yourself to be in the midst of your own pain, and be present to somebody else. That's a great skill to learn. It's a wonderful skill to learn. Then in that moment, you're detached. You get detached from your own personal pain, and learn how to transcend it in that moment. That's a great gift that our Clients give us. That we actually get to learn how to do that, with their support. And they don't even know they're doing it.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Rhonda: Does that support you, or is there something you want more? Because I get the sense that you want something else?
Speaker 5: No, I think it does.
Rhonda: Okay.
Speaker 5: I see what you're saying. Yeah.
Rhonda: What am I saying?
Speaker 5: When it comes up to go somewhere where you're going to be able to support them. So, bring up things ... Even though it's a situation that you may feel similar pain in, go to what can you be grateful for, or what can I be grateful for in the situation.
Rhonda: Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 5: And in turn, that's supporting you in thinking, "Yeah, I can be grateful for that, too."
Rhonda: Yes. It's also a matter of, now you get to trust if you're really a good Coach. You know, bottom line is, my life may be upside down, and I might be going through a personal, challenging, challenging time. And you might bring up a situation for me as a Client, but bottom line is, I have learned to trust that no matter what's going on in my personal life, I can be present with you and coach you. So, even though it's present ... Even though I can taste it. It's present for me. I can still stay present with you, in your pain. And yes, mine's here. Mine's with me. But it doesn't consume me, and it doesn't decide that moment that it's going to get more attention than the person in front of you.
So again, it's another opportunity to practice being present. Can you be fully present with your Client, and be in the midst of your own pain? And the answer is yes. That's something that you can practice, learn to do, and then trust that you do it, even when you feel like, "Wow, I had a horrible Session. I was totally in my stuff." You know what? Bottom line is, those Sessions your Client will go, "Wow. Wow, that Session was so great." Because you were really right there with them.
Speaker 5: Okay.
Rhonda: Does that make sense?
Speaker 5: Yes. A lot of sense. Thank you.
Rhonda: You're welcome.
