Just received this and thought: what a great question. Here goes…
Rhonda, Why do you seem so inspired to blog more often and to practice your fearless wisdom when you are in love? Why did you shut down when we needed to learn how were you being fearless all by yourself without a Mr. Man in your life? It is scary to find oneself alone …did you get to get over Mr. Love a lot or did Alabama do that job. be truthful. We are at our best fearless when Mr. Somebody is at our side…Right??? I wish you the best don’t stop blogging when the going gets tough.
From Rhonda: I love the forthright, give-it-to-me-Rhonda attitude this email has. So, do I blog more often when I am in love? Hmmm. Not according to my latest boyfriend, Mr. Alabama. I never blogged about him. And I love him like crazy. I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t time. I was so busy healing myself that writing seemed difficult at best. I didn’t have much in me the past two years. Let me tell you about the past two years:
After Mr. Love-A-Lot, I was shattered. Not necessarily due to him but of what our break-up brought up in me. The pain of the past that fluttered up regarding what I knew about being a woman from my parents.
My mother modeled sacrifice until she stood on her own two feet and then the man who supposedly loved her, killed her. My father modeled that I was less than worthy. Sure, he would tell me I was pretty or smart when MIss America was on (You can read more about that in my blogs and books) but he never modeled affection, care, love for his middle daughter: me.
So, sure it’s nice to have someone by our side, ie love, yet love also brings up everything unlike itself to be revealed and healed. If you ask any of my friends, I’ve never been one that ‘had’ to be with a man. I like being alone. Actually, in many ways, I prefer it. And that’s the scary part too. I don’t want to choose to be with someone because of fear and I don’t want to stay with someone out of fear. That is the pathway I have been walking for the past few years with Mr. Love-A-Lot, Mr. Alabama and alone.
The past two years, actually two years this week, I have been devouring Peter Levine’s work about trauma healing. I have been working with my body to learn how to build awareness and skill when I am having a moment from the past welling up in me. I have seen a specialist to support my body health through Neuroscience. And I have been allowing myself to just ‘be’ from a spiritual perspective. All of those things are tough on their own but when I decide to face something, I face something. Period. So I did it all at one time: Healing body health and body memory while supporting myself with spiritual support and good friends.
For the past two years, I have not had a place of my own. I have stayed with my sister Linda or friends or Mr. Alabama or was traveling due to events or workshops. The last two years I have, for the most part, lived out of a suitcase. And that has not been easy. I love decorating and colors and the stability a home gives. Yet, what I have needed above all else was loving people around me and that meant, being on the road, in their homes, in their arms.
Mr. Alabama has been with me for part of this journey. He was God-sent, that’s for sure. An angel holding me up. I think he needed me too. We helped each other through the rough spot called our lives. We have now parted ways. Not because we don’t love each other, in fact, probably because we do. There was so much right about us yet many of the fundamentals we both needed, we could not give. It wasn’t who either of us were. Not bad or good. Just different. I love him like no other.
So do I blog more when I’m in love? With Mr. Love-A-Lot, yes. With Mr. Alabama, no. I haven’t been blogging not because I haven’t wanted to share what I have gone through. The opposite in fact. I have been writing my fifth book all about the past two years so you will hear plenty about it soon enough. It’s because I was tired. My doctor told me that if I kept working at the pace I was at, with the state of health I was in, I would get very very sick. I believed him. So I rested. A lot. Now, my body has stabilized and I am ready to step back into the world. Perhaps not the way I once did but back I am. In fact, more of me is back. More Rhonda. I found more of her the past two years. Mr. Alabama helped. So did my team of support. It was almost as if we pieced me back together again but instead of using the glue that comes undone after a few uses, we used love. The love of others for me. The love I gave to myself. And the love that exists right here, between you and me. That love healed me. I am so glad to be back.