Fear Series: How to Overcome Your Fear of Not Being Good Enough

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Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?

 

Not smart enough. Not loved enough. Not tall enough. Not skinny enough. Not young enough. Not successful enough. Not rich enough. Not spiritual enough. Not a good enough daughter or son. Not a good enough parent. Not a good enough writer. Not a good enough cook. Not a good enough friend.

 

Fear of not being good enough is so pervasive and difficult, so before we dig any further, I want you to take a deep breath. This is going to be a tough one. Take a few deep breaths, and feel free to pause to take some deep breaths as you read this article. I may say something that triggers you or reminds you of your past, and if this does happen, know that it’s okay (and encouraged!) to stop and take a break to recenter yourself.

 

I’m so glad you’re here because no one can be fearless alone. We all need a little help along the way. Just today, I called three different people to ask for help and support. Sometimes I need more than that. Sometimes I need less, but today that’s the support I needed to help myself work through my fear of not being good enough.

am I good enough question handwritten on chalkboard with red heart symbol

 

Let’s talk about what a fear of not being good enough means, the symptoms of this fear, what causes it, and the solutions that can help you move beyond this fear.

 

A Fearless Living Introduction: Overcoming Fear

 

When you think of fear, what comes to mind? Spiders? Enclosed spaces? Public speaking? These common phobias are very real fears, but they’re not the exact fears we talk about at Fearless Living. 

 

At Fearless Living, we focus on emotional fears. The fears that run deep into the heart of our humanity and wellbeing. Emotional fears cause us to make decisions, whether we realize it or not, that push us further and further away from our goals, dreams, desires, and living the life our soul intended.™ 

 

The 10 most common emotional fears are:

 

  • Fear of Failure
  • Fear of Success 
  • Fear of Intimacy
  • Fear of the Unknown
  • Fear of Loneliness 
  • Fear of Not Being Good Enough
  • Fear of Loss
  • Fear of Change
  • Fear of Being Judged
  • Fear of Rejection

 

I break down each of the most common emotional fears we discuss at Fearless Living here on the blog, but for a general overview of the differences between each fear, check out: 10 Common Types of Fear and How to Overcome Them.

 

What is the Feeling of Not Being Good Enough Called?

 

Scientifically, an excessive fear of not being good enough is called atelophobia. At its worst, atelophobia is classified as an anxiety disorder that can affect relationships and make the afflicted person feel like absolutely everything they do is wrong.

 

IMPORTANT NOTE: Anxiety disorders are serious and should never be ignored. 

 

If you experience extreme emotional symptoms or physical symptoms, like sleep disturbances, chest palpitations, dizziness, and nausea, you should seek the help of a mental health professional or licensed clinical psychologist

 

You might be wondering, “Do I have atelophobia?”

 

In cases of atelophobia, absolutely everything that person does, feels, and sees is filtered through the lens of not being good enough. Every decision they make is tainted by this feeling, and it can become so bad that they aren’t able to function in society because they are crippled by this pervasive feeling that absolutely nothing about them, their life, their past, or their future is good enough.

 

Thank goodness that most of us don’t have this extreme level of fear, but all of us suffer from some version of thinking we’re not good enough. 

 

It’s our excuse, validation, and rationalization. Fear of not being good enough is the biggest lie we tell ourselves because it’s the most all-encompassing fear. 

 

I like to call fear of not being good enough a foundational fear. It’s the all-encompassing way we experience fear because it includes all of the other types of fear, including fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, etc.

 

Why are you afraid of failure? It’s often because, deep down, you believe you are not good enough. Why do you have a fear of intimacy? Well, deep down, you feel you’re not good enough for intimate, close relationships. 

 

Fear of not being good enough is the most pervasive of the emotional fears we discuss at Fearless Living. Start paying attention to how this fear shows up because it will help you see where you stand with all of the other most common emotional fears.

 

What Does it Mean to Have a Fear of Not Being Good Enough?

 

The fear of not being good enough tells us we are missing something key to our success. Maybe we don’t have enough money or enough experience or the right upbringing or the right education. We believe some secret ingredient is missing, and we use that as a crutch to lean on—it’s the reason for all of our troubles.

 

And when SOMETHING is missing, most of us think it's our fault.

 

I don't know what your missing thing is that you fall back on, but I do know most people who come to Fearless Living blame themselves because the people who come to Fearless Living have a deep need for personal responsibility. They have a deep need to be responsible and accountable for their own life.

 

If their life isn't going the way they want, they blame themselves because they’re missing something. They think there is something wrong with them. They blame themselves, punish themselves, judge themselves, and compare themselves to others. But those thoughts kill our spark, our energy, and our dreams.

 

And let’s face it, even if you do attain that missing something, it’s never enough. If you believe you’re not rich enough but then meet your financial goal, or if you thought you weren’t skinny enough and then lose a bunch of weight, the marker will only move to something else. The fear of not being good enough is so ingrained that it creates a moving target. You aren’t able to attain that missing something because as soon as you do, your brain comes up with something else that’s missing for you to obsess over.

 

What do you lean on? What’s your excuse? Do you ever say, “if I was only better, then I would be successful? Then I would be loved. Then I would deserve it.” We all have those worries.

 

There are a number of symptoms that come with feeling you’re not good enough. They are:

 

  1. Perfectionism
  2. Comparing yourself to others
  3. Unrealistic and unspoken expectations
  4. Self-imposed pressure to “have it all now”
  5. Ignoring or denying compliments
  6. Focusing on what’s not done rather than what is
  7. Feeling alone and unsupported
  8. Taking things personally and blaming yourself

 

But simply knowing that these things are holding you back is not enough. Your logic gets in the way of doing anything about it. Knowing something and doing something about it is very different. Knowing and practicing is very different. For over 20 years, I read all of the books and went to all of the classes. I took everything in and I thought that was enough, but what I wasn’t doing was practicing and truly living these lessons.

 

What matters is how you put your knowledge into action. So, what can you do to manage and overcome your fear of not being good enough? Next, I’ll share actionable strategies that will help you overcome this pervasive, all-encompassing fear.

 

How Do I Get Over My Fear of Not Being Good Enough?

 

You are good enough written on postit

 

Remember the Connection Between Your Body, Mind, and Heart 

 

I often fall back to this little acronym: HALT. 

 

It stands for: 

 

Hungry 

 

Angry

 

Lonely

 

Tired

 

I know when I’m hungry, I’m more likely to experience fear. I know when I get angry, I’m more susceptible to fear. I know being lonely or tired will increase my capacity to feel afraid.

 

So, when you’re experiencing moments of fear, first take a step back and determine whether or not you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

 

If you are, deal with these needs first. If you’re hungry, eat a healthy meal or snack. If you’re angry, take a walk or vent in a journal. If you’re lonely, call up a friend, family member, or make an appointment with your Life Coach. If you’re tired, go to bed or take a short nap. 

 

The body, mind, and heart connection is very real. All the parts of us are interconnected. So there’s no getting away from taking care of your body, paying attention to your heart, or giving your mind its due. They are impossible to ignore. (If you think you can, they will eventually make so much noise you’ll be forced to give them your focus.)

 

The next time you’re triggered or experience fear in any form, take a step back and ask yourself if you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. If you are, start there. Fulfill these very basic needs first before you move forward with other strategies.

 

Before we move on, if you’re unsure what I’m talking about when I use the word “fear,” be sure to read my article: What Causes Fear, and How Do We Respond to It?

 

Allow (and Enjoy!) Imperfection

 

Humans are not perfect, and as much as we may understand that other people aren’t perfect, we are often unable to allow ourselves to be imperfect.

 

But perfectionism is debilitating. It stifles creativity, hinders relationships, and it fuels our feelings of not being good enough. In reality, it’s our imperfections that make us who we are. It's our imperfections that make us human. It’s how other people can relate to us. By being imperfect, you connect with people through shared flaws and failures. 

 

I know you know this, but it’s hard to accept it about yourself, right? The quest for perfection is so seductive and yet so impossible to attain. Maybe it will help if I say it this way: Perfectionism is a fear response. When you’re afraid of losing or failing or being rejected, it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing if you were just perfect enough, no one could talk smack about you or deny you your due. I get it. But you and I both know that way of thinking hasn’t worked; it only makes you feel worse. 

 

Because when you’re stuck in a cycle of ongoing perfectionism, it can be difficult to break free from it and see your innocence.

 

Real life is messy. And that’s okay. It’s the messiness and the failures and the ups and downs that spark new ideas and ignite creativity. Perfectionism is a creativity killer. It keeps you from ever trying anything new because, well, you might not be perfect at it.

 

But here’s the real deal. It’s either perfectionism or connection—you can’t have both. Because people can’t relate or connect to a robot, and that’s what you become when perfection is your goal. 

 

How we relate to each other is through our vulnerabilities, which means asking for help, renegotiating an agreement, or saying no and those things become easier when we give up the quest to be perfect and embrace our humanity instead. 

 

Practicing accepting my humanity is what always works for me. As long as I’m practicing, perfectionism and procrastination do not have a hold on me because I no longer value holding myself to impossible standards and deadlines. Being seen as perfect to others is no longer my priority. Instead, doing the work that’s calling me at a pace that works for me is what matters. 

 

Here’s one simple thing you can do to put perfectionism at bay: Start where you are. Perfectionists want to wait until everything is perfect before they begin. They want all the pieces to be together before they even start, but that line of thinking is just an excuse that will keep you stuck.

 

You absolutely won’t be a successful author if you never start writing. You absolutely won’t be hired for your dream job if you don’t apply for it. Getting past perfectionism requires us to start, not next year, not next month, not tomorrow. Now. Wherever you are right now is enough to start. You will learn what you don’t know along the way. It may not be perfect, but not perfect is far better than never starting at all.

 

Stop Comparing Yourself

 

Stop comparing yourself to others or a fantasy version of yourself. Easier said than done—I know. But mastering this important lesson is key to managing your fear of not being good enough. 

 

Comparing ourselves to other people or who we were when we were younger often brings us down rather than lifts us up. We have this fantasy version of who we should be and what success looks like. And when we’re focused on that moving target, we aren’t focused on making real progress. 

 

I remember the days when I was a small little thing. I would wear the tightest pants and crop tops all the time to show off my tight stomach. It wasn’t because I was confident—I was doing it to mask other insecurities, but that’s a topic for another time. The point I want to get across here is that I am a different person now than I was 20 or 30 years ago. I can’t compare myself now to who I was intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, or physically back then. 

 

And I also can’t compare myself intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually to who I will be. 

 

I can only compare myself to where I am now, and the only question to ever ask is: Am I moving forward right now? When we compare ourselves to ourselves, we’re often looking at a fantasy version, one that existed so long ago, or one that never existed at all. We’re judging ourselves based on that successful, rich, married with a loving family, living in a castle self. 

 

Comparing yourself to a previous or fantasy version of yourself or comparing yourself to others breeds fears. Fear loves when you do this because rot can fester and grow and continue to tell you that you aren’t good enough based on those comparisons. 

 

Everyone is on their own journey, and you don’t know where anyone is starting from. You don't have insight into their past, their thoughts, their mindset, their insecurities, their failures. You are comparing yourself to them based on the little bit you do know about them. 

 

So, to keep going with the theme of comparing ourselves physically, say your friend is 30 pounds lighter than you and always fits into cute little dresses you wish you could fit into. The most toxic thing you can do is to compare yourself to her. This line of thinking will have you spiraling in various forms of fear, including your fear of not being good enough. You’ll start to believe that because you aren’t the same size, you can’t compete, you aren’t good enough.

 

It could be that they have an eating disorder and are highly insecure about their weight. They may have a health condition that is making them skinny. Or they may be putting hours of work in at the gym each week. Maybe their body has always been their friend, but they totally suck in another area where you shine. Can you compare yourself to those things? You’ll want to, but we are each on our own journey. Truly letting go of your constant need to compare yourself to others is fulfilling and absolutely freeing.

 

Does it really matter to your soul that your sister makes more money than you? No. Does it really matter to your heart that your neighbor has a better flower garden? No. Does it matter to your authentic self that your office isn’t as big as your coworkers'? No. What matters—what ACTUALLY matters—is you owning your journey.

 

When you start thinking that way, instead, repeat one of my favorite phrases: “Do what you can the best you can when you can.”

 

That means showing up for yourself every day. It means continuing on this beautiful journey of growth and self-discovery. It means putting your energy into your own success instead of comparing yourself to a previous you or anyone else. It means shifting your focus from trying to eliminate the feeling of not feeling good enough to instead focusing on the fact you are already good enough. Don’t let fear fool you anymore. 

 

How are you better today than you were yesterday? What have you learned since yesterday? What steps have you taken toward accomplishing your goals? YOU. Your progress. 

 

Replace Unrealistic Expectations With Intentions

 

Expectations are premeditated resentments. They are unrealistic, unspoken, rarely agreed upon, and self-imposed. They cause tension, stress, and a stifling, imagined commitment to some fantastical ideal that’s created out of the stories we tell ourselves. 

 

Expectations cause you to sabotage yourself. You are thinking things should be a certain way when they simply are not. When you get caught up in these thoughts or feel an expectation brewing, ask yourself: Am I making it up, or is it a fact?

 

I fall back to this question any time I’m triggered: Am I making it up, or is it a fact? 

 

Do you want to live up to that expectation? Is that something that matters to you? Are you making that expectation up, or is it a fact? What are YOUR intentions? 

 

It's usually about now when someone asks me about expectations in the workplace. So here's my quick answer: When you get your job, usually, you sign a contract or receive a job description detailing your responsibilities. If you accept that job, you're saying yes to what's on those documents. If you don't accept them, you can choose to renegotiate what your job entails. 

 

Think of it this way: You're either making a conscious agreement or living with unspoken expectations. Because most people have difficulty speaking up due to feeling powerless or feeling like they don't have the skill to say what's on their mind. Too many of us live with expectations that do not serve us, yet we feel trapped by them. 

 

Let go of expectations by making agreements and setting your intention. Focus on the facts, not your illusions. This way, you focus on what you actually want in life and what matters to you.

 

You may see your sibling going on work trips all the time and start to wish you got to go on those trips too. But when you take time to think about the facts, is that actually what you want? Do you want to pack and get on a plane every few days? Do you want to eat airline food and junk on the road? Do you want to be away from your family that much of the year? It could be that when you take the time to think about it, that’s exactly what you want. But you can’t make an authentic decision about something without the facts. Are you making up that you want that from your life, or is that what you actually want?

 

If it is what you want, it’s time to set an intention. When we set intentions at Fearless Living, we put them into this format.

 

I am WILLING to PRACTICE…

 

You might say:

 

I am willing to practice owning my needs and speaking up.

 

I am willing to practice being kind to myself.

 

I am willing to practice loving myself for who I am today.

 

When you give up expectations, perfection goes along with it. Instead, you learn to live in the present moment—actively and on purpose. 

 

Take the Compliment!

 

The final advice I will share for this post is to take a compliment. It’s a simple thing to say, but not so simple to do.

 

When you refuse compliments, you deny your strengths. You're denying what's working. You reject the positive ways other people see you. Think about it. Compliments aren't against you. They are there to help you. Someone is reaching out to you, seeing you, telling you that what you did brought them joy in some form or another.

 

When you refuse compliments, you're basically telling the other person they are a big fat liar. And you're isolating yourself by pushing them, and their praise, away. Denying a compliment is usually wrapped up in your unconscious fears about yourself, so it's important to step outside yourself and remember that you may be insulting the other person. You aren't accepting the love and compassion they are trying to share. Instead, you're dismissing them. You're telling them their impression is actually false. 

 

When we often refuse compliments, it's because we are so tied up in perfection. We judge who is sharing the compliment; do we like them, agree with them or admire them? And we judge what they are complimenting us for. If we disagree, we brush the compliment away and do not let it seep into our bones, healing us on a profound level. Because, in truth, that's what compliments do: they heal us by allowing us to be seen and understood by another. When we accept a compliment, we are saying yes to the healing. 

 

So what’s the solution? The solution is to accept every compliment. Yes. I said it. Every. Single. Compliment. 

 

The thought of accepting compliments from people you don't agree with might make you want to throw up a little. 🤢 But if you’re feeling that way, you are missing the point of compliments.

 

Compliments are an energetic connection between you and another person. Compliments don’t mean you are exactly like someone else. Let’s simplify that. Say someone with bright purple hair authentically compliments your hair or your looks. Even though you might think their hair looks weird, it doesn't mean they think your hair is weird too. They are just appreciating your hair.

 

Believe the people who compliment you. TAKE THE COMPLIMENT!

 

From today on, when you receive a compliment, I want you to take it. I want you to accept it fully. If you’re walking down the street and someone says, “Nice hat,” take that in and accept it. You might be wearing a hat you’ve had for years or that you don’t even like, but that person liked your hat. They liked it enough to share a compliment—to reach out and make a connection with you.

 

If someone walks by after you parked and says, “Great parallel parking,” take the compliment. If someone at work says, “Wow, your lunch smells good,” take the compliment. If your boss says, “Great work on the marketing campaign,” take the compliment. Don’t waste your time trying to overthink, question, or deny what the other person is saying. Take the compliment in fully. 

 

Think about it this way. When you compliment someone else yourself, do you have bad intentions? Are you lying or trying to trick the other person? Do you have a secret meaning to your compliment? If you don’t act that way, don’t assume those around you do. 

 

Fearbuster Exercise™:

If you’re struggling to accept compliments, start keeping a compliment journal. 

 

Every time you receive a compliment, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, write it down. Then, after each compliment, write down: I’m willing to believe this is true.

 

Read them over again regularly. As you realize how good compliments can feel, begin putting effort into giving compliments in return. Be honest and open with your compliments. You never know—you could completely turn someone's bad day around with one simple compliment.

 

I’m going to stop myself there because I could continue this topic for days. The fear of not being good enough is so common and so ingrained in so many of us. This makes it one of the toughest fears to crack.

 

Start here, but don’t stop here. This article only scratches the surface of tackling and finally curing yourself of a fear of not being good enough. In my How to Overcome Fear of Not Being Good Enough course, (it’s available right inside Fearless You), I explore these strategies further and share additional ones that I haven’t discussed here.

 

I hope that after reading this article, you will start here, but I encourage you to dig deeper. Continue practicing these strategies and implementing them into your daily life and routine. And remember: start now. Start where you are, or you may never start at all.

 

Cracking Your Fear of Not Being Good Enough With Fearless Living

 

This is only the beginning. 

 

Cracking the code to your fear of not being good enough is just one of the journeys you can take with the community at Fearless Living. Your Fearless You membership gets you access to the entire How to Overcome Fear Series, including Fear of Change, Fear of Rejection, and Fear of Failure. Additionally, you’ll gain access to dozens of other courses and live sessions, all designed to help you live the life your soul intended.™ 

 

Do you have crippling self-doubt? Would you like more self-confidence? Do you wish you could say goodbye to your lack of self-love? Follow the Fearless Living blog for free weekly content on everything from how to start over to finding and following your soul purpose to overcoming self-doubt.

From Fear to Freedom
From Fear to Freedom GUIDE topaz enhance sharpen hiresDOWNLOAD GUIDE

 

 

Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?

 

Not smart enough. Not loved enough. Not tall enough. Not skinny enough. Not young enough. Not successful enough. Not rich enough. Not spiritual enough. Not a good enough daughter or son. Not a good enough parent. Not a good enough writer. Not a good enough cook. Not a good enough friend.

 

Fear of not being good enough is so pervasive and difficult, so before we dig any further, I want you to take a deep breath. This is going to be a tough one. Take a few deep breaths, and feel free to pause to take some deep breaths as you read this article. I may say something that triggers you or reminds you of your past, and if this does happen, know that it’s okay (and encouraged!) to stop and take a break to recenter yourself.

 

I’m so glad you’re here because no one can be fearless alone. We all need a little help along the way. Just today, I called three different people to ask for help and support. Sometimes I need more than that. Sometimes I need less, but today that’s the support I needed to help myself work through my fear of not being good enough.

am I good enough question handwritten on chalkboard with red heart symbol

 

Let’s talk about what a fear of not being good enough means, the symptoms of this fear, what causes it, and the solutions that can help you move beyond this fear.

 

A Fearless Living Introduction: Overcoming Fear

 

When you think of fear, what comes to mind? Spiders? Enclosed spaces? Public speaking? These common phobias are very real fears, but they’re not the exact fears we talk about at Fearless Living. 

 

At Fearless Living, we focus on emotional fears. The fears that run deep into the heart of our humanity and wellbeing. Emotional fears cause us to make decisions, whether we realize it or not, that push us further and further away from our goals, dreams, desires, and living the life our soul intended.™ 

 

The 10 most common emotional fears are:

 

  • Fear of Failure
  • Fear of Success 
  • Fear of Intimacy
  • Fear of the Unknown
  • Fear of Loneliness 
  • Fear of Not Being Good Enough
  • Fear of Loss
  • Fear of Change
  • Fear of Being Judged
  • Fear of Rejection

 

I break down each of the most common emotional fears we discuss at Fearless Living here on the blog, but for a general overview of the differences between each fear, check out: 10 Common Types of Fear and How to Overcome Them.

 

What is the Feeling of Not Being Good Enough Called?

 

Scientifically, an excessive fear of not being good enough is called atelophobia. At its worst, atelophobia is classified as an anxiety disorder that can affect relationships and make the afflicted person feel like absolutely everything they do is wrong.

 

IMPORTANT NOTE: Anxiety disorders are serious and should never be ignored. 

 

If you experience extreme emotional symptoms or physical symptoms, like sleep disturbances, chest palpitations, dizziness, and nausea, you should seek the help of a mental health professional or licensed clinical psychologist

 

You might be wondering, “Do I have atelophobia?”

 

In cases of atelophobia, absolutely everything that person does, feels, and sees is filtered through the lens of not being good enough. Every decision they make is tainted by this feeling, and it can become so bad that they aren’t able to function in society because they are crippled by this pervasive feeling that absolutely nothing about them, their life, their past, or their future is good enough.

 

Thank goodness that most of us don’t have this extreme level of fear, but all of us suffer from some version of thinking we’re not good enough. 

 

It’s our excuse, validation, and rationalization. Fear of not being good enough is the biggest lie we tell ourselves because it’s the most all-encompassing fear. 

 

I like to call fear of not being good enough a foundational fear. It’s the all-encompassing way we experience fear because it includes all of the other types of fear, including fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, etc.

 

Why are you afraid of failure? It’s often because, deep down, you believe you are not good enough. Why do you have a fear of intimacy? Well, deep down, you feel you’re not good enough for intimate, close relationships. 

 

Fear of not being good enough is the most pervasive of the emotional fears we discuss at Fearless Living. Start paying attention to how this fear shows up because it will help you see where you stand with all of the other most common emotional fears.

 

What Does it Mean to Have a Fear of Not Being Good Enough?

 

The fear of not being good enough tells us we are missing something key to our success. Maybe we don’t have enough money or enough experience or the right upbringing or the right education. We believe some secret ingredient is missing, and we use that as a crutch to lean on—it’s the reason for all of our troubles.

 

And when SOMETHING is missing, most of us think it's our fault.

 

I don't know what your missing thing is that you fall back on, but I do know most people who come to Fearless Living blame themselves because the people who come to Fearless Living have a deep need for personal responsibility. They have a deep need to be responsible and accountable for their own life.

 

If their life isn't going the way they want, they blame themselves because they’re missing something. They think there is something wrong with them. They blame themselves, punish themselves, judge themselves, and compare themselves to others. But those thoughts kill our spark, our energy, and our dreams.

 

And let’s face it, even if you do attain that missing something, it’s never enough. If you believe you’re not rich enough but then meet your financial goal, or if you thought you weren’t skinny enough and then lose a bunch of weight, the marker will only move to something else. The fear of not being good enough is so ingrained that it creates a moving target. You aren’t able to attain that missing something because as soon as you do, your brain comes up with something else that’s missing for you to obsess over.

 

What do you lean on? What’s your excuse? Do you ever say, “if I was only better, then I would be successful? Then I would be loved. Then I would deserve it.” We all have those worries.

 

There are a number of symptoms that come with feeling you’re not good enough. They are:

 

  1. Perfectionism
  2. Comparing yourself to others
  3. Unrealistic and unspoken expectations
  4. Self-imposed pressure to “have it all now”
  5. Ignoring or denying compliments
  6. Focusing on what’s not done rather than what is
  7. Feeling alone and unsupported
  8. Taking things personally and blaming yourself

 

But simply knowing that these things are holding you back is not enough. Your logic gets in the way of doing anything about it. Knowing something and doing something about it is very different. Knowing and practicing is very different. For over 20 years, I read all of the books and went to all of the classes. I took everything in and I thought that was enough, but what I wasn’t doing was practicing and truly living these lessons.

 

What matters is how you put your knowledge into action. So, what can you do to manage and overcome your fear of not being good enough? Next, I’ll share actionable strategies that will help you overcome this pervasive, all-encompassing fear.

 

How Do I Get Over My Fear of Not Being Good Enough?

 

You are good enough written on postit

 

Remember the Connection Between Your Body, Mind, and Heart 

 

I often fall back to this little acronym: HALT. 

 

It stands for: 

 

Hungry 

 

Angry

 

Lonely

 

Tired

 

I know when I’m hungry, I’m more likely to experience fear. I know when I get angry, I’m more susceptible to fear. I know being lonely or tired will increase my capacity to feel afraid.

 

So, when you’re experiencing moments of fear, first take a step back and determine whether or not you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

 

If you are, deal with these needs first. If you’re hungry, eat a healthy meal or snack. If you’re angry, take a walk or vent in a journal. If you’re lonely, call up a friend, family member, or make an appointment with your Life Coach. If you’re tired, go to bed or take a short nap. 

 

The body, mind, and heart connection is very real. All the parts of us are interconnected. So there’s no getting away from taking care of your body, paying attention to your heart, or giving your mind its due. They are impossible to ignore. (If you think you can, they will eventually make so much noise you’ll be forced to give them your focus.)

 

The next time you’re triggered or experience fear in any form, take a step back and ask yourself if you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. If you are, start there. Fulfill these very basic needs first before you move forward with other strategies.

 

Before we move on, if you’re unsure what I’m talking about when I use the word “fear,” be sure to read my article: What Causes Fear, and How Do We Respond to It?

 

Allow (and Enjoy!) Imperfection

 

Humans are not perfect, and as much as we may understand that other people aren’t perfect, we are often unable to allow ourselves to be imperfect.

 

But perfectionism is debilitating. It stifles creativity, hinders relationships, and it fuels our feelings of not being good enough. In reality, it’s our imperfections that make us who we are. It's our imperfections that make us human. It’s how other people can relate to us. By being imperfect, you connect with people through shared flaws and failures. 

 

I know you know this, but it’s hard to accept it about yourself, right? The quest for perfection is so seductive and yet so impossible to attain. Maybe it will help if I say it this way: Perfectionism is a fear response. When you’re afraid of losing or failing or being rejected, it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing if you were just perfect enough, no one could talk smack about you or deny you your due. I get it. But you and I both know that way of thinking hasn’t worked; it only makes you feel worse. 

 

Because when you’re stuck in a cycle of ongoing perfectionism, it can be difficult to break free from it and see your innocence.

 

Real life is messy. And that’s okay. It’s the messiness and the failures and the ups and downs that spark new ideas and ignite creativity. Perfectionism is a creativity killer. It keeps you from ever trying anything new because, well, you might not be perfect at it.

 

But here’s the real deal. It’s either perfectionism or connection—you can’t have both. Because people can’t relate or connect to a robot, and that’s what you become when perfection is your goal. 

 

How we relate to each other is through our vulnerabilities, which means asking for help, renegotiating an agreement, or saying no and those things become easier when we give up the quest to be perfect and embrace our humanity instead. 

 

Practicing accepting my humanity is what always works for me. As long as I’m practicing, perfectionism and procrastination do not have a hold on me because I no longer value holding myself to impossible standards and deadlines. Being seen as perfect to others is no longer my priority. Instead, doing the work that’s calling me at a pace that works for me is what matters. 

 

Here’s one simple thing you can do to put perfectionism at bay: Start where you are. Perfectionists want to wait until everything is perfect before they begin. They want all the pieces to be together before they even start, but that line of thinking is just an excuse that will keep you stuck.

 

You absolutely won’t be a successful author if you never start writing. You absolutely won’t be hired for your dream job if you don’t apply for it. Getting past perfectionism requires us to start, not next year, not next month, not tomorrow. Now. Wherever you are right now is enough to start. You will learn what you don’t know along the way. It may not be perfect, but not perfect is far better than never starting at all.

 

Stop Comparing Yourself

 

Stop comparing yourself to others or a fantasy version of yourself. Easier said than done—I know. But mastering this important lesson is key to managing your fear of not being good enough. 

 

Comparing ourselves to other people or who we were when we were younger often brings us down rather than lifts us up. We have this fantasy version of who we should be and what success looks like. And when we’re focused on that moving target, we aren’t focused on making real progress. 

 

I remember the days when I was a small little thing. I would wear the tightest pants and crop tops all the time to show off my tight stomach. It wasn’t because I was confident—I was doing it to mask other insecurities, but that’s a topic for another time. The point I want to get across here is that I am a different person now than I was 20 or 30 years ago. I can’t compare myself now to who I was intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, or physically back then. 

 

And I also can’t compare myself intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually to who I will be. 

 

I can only compare myself to where I am now, and the only question to ever ask is: Am I moving forward right now? When we compare ourselves to ourselves, we’re often looking at a fantasy version, one that existed so long ago, or one that never existed at all. We’re judging ourselves based on that successful, rich, married with a loving family, living in a castle self. 

 

Comparing yourself to a previous or fantasy version of yourself or comparing yourself to others breeds fears. Fear loves when you do this because rot can fester and grow and continue to tell you that you aren’t good enough based on those comparisons. 

 

Everyone is on their own journey, and you don’t know where anyone is starting from. You don't have insight into their past, their thoughts, their mindset, their insecurities, their failures. You are comparing yourself to them based on the little bit you do know about them. 

 

So, to keep going with the theme of comparing ourselves physically, say your friend is 30 pounds lighter than you and always fits into cute little dresses you wish you could fit into. The most toxic thing you can do is to compare yourself to her. This line of thinking will have you spiraling in various forms of fear, including your fear of not being good enough. You’ll start to believe that because you aren’t the same size, you can’t compete, you aren’t good enough.

 

It could be that they have an eating disorder and are highly insecure about their weight. They may have a health condition that is making them skinny. Or they may be putting hours of work in at the gym each week. Maybe their body has always been their friend, but they totally suck in another area where you shine. Can you compare yourself to those things? You’ll want to, but we are each on our own journey. Truly letting go of your constant need to compare yourself to others is fulfilling and absolutely freeing.

 

Does it really matter to your soul that your sister makes more money than you? No. Does it really matter to your heart that your neighbor has a better flower garden? No. Does it matter to your authentic self that your office isn’t as big as your coworkers'? No. What matters—what ACTUALLY matters—is you owning your journey.

 

When you start thinking that way, instead, repeat one of my favorite phrases: “Do what you can the best you can when you can.”

 

That means showing up for yourself every day. It means continuing on this beautiful journey of growth and self-discovery. It means putting your energy into your own success instead of comparing yourself to a previous you or anyone else. It means shifting your focus from trying to eliminate the feeling of not feeling good enough to instead focusing on the fact you are already good enough. Don’t let fear fool you anymore. 

 

How are you better today than you were yesterday? What have you learned since yesterday? What steps have you taken toward accomplishing your goals? YOU. Your progress. 

 

Replace Unrealistic Expectations With Intentions

 

Expectations are premeditated resentments. They are unrealistic, unspoken, rarely agreed upon, and self-imposed. They cause tension, stress, and a stifling, imagined commitment to some fantastical ideal that’s created out of the stories we tell ourselves. 

 

Expectations cause you to sabotage yourself. You are thinking things should be a certain way when they simply are not. When you get caught up in these thoughts or feel an expectation brewing, ask yourself: Am I making it up, or is it a fact?

 

I fall back to this question any time I’m triggered: Am I making it up, or is it a fact? 

 

Do you want to live up to that expectation? Is that something that matters to you? Are you making that expectation up, or is it a fact? What are YOUR intentions? 

 

It's usually about now when someone asks me about expectations in the workplace. So here's my quick answer: When you get your job, usually, you sign a contract or receive a job description detailing your responsibilities. If you accept that job, you're saying yes to what's on those documents. If you don't accept them, you can choose to renegotiate what your job entails. 

 

Think of it this way: You're either making a conscious agreement or living with unspoken expectations. Because most people have difficulty speaking up due to feeling powerless or feeling like they don't have the skill to say what's on their mind. Too many of us live with expectations that do not serve us, yet we feel trapped by them. 

 

Let go of expectations by making agreements and setting your intention. Focus on the facts, not your illusions. This way, you focus on what you actually want in life and what matters to you.

 

You may see your sibling going on work trips all the time and start to wish you got to go on those trips too. But when you take time to think about the facts, is that actually what you want? Do you want to pack and get on a plane every few days? Do you want to eat airline food and junk on the road? Do you want to be away from your family that much of the year? It could be that when you take the time to think about it, that’s exactly what you want. But you can’t make an authentic decision about something without the facts. Are you making up that you want that from your life, or is that what you actually want?

 

If it is what you want, it’s time to set an intention. When we set intentions at Fearless Living, we put them into this format.

 

I am WILLING to PRACTICE…

 

You might say:

 

I am willing to practice owning my needs and speaking up.

 

I am willing to practice being kind to myself.

 

I am willing to practice loving myself for who I am today.

 

When you give up expectations, perfection goes along with it. Instead, you learn to live in the present moment—actively and on purpose. 

 

Take the Compliment!

 

The final advice I will share for this post is to take a compliment. It’s a simple thing to say, but not so simple to do.

 

When you refuse compliments, you deny your strengths. You're denying what's working. You reject the positive ways other people see you. Think about it. Compliments aren't against you. They are there to help you. Someone is reaching out to you, seeing you, telling you that what you did brought them joy in some form or another.

 

When you refuse compliments, you're basically telling the other person they are a big fat liar. And you're isolating yourself by pushing them, and their praise, away. Denying a compliment is usually wrapped up in your unconscious fears about yourself, so it's important to step outside yourself and remember that you may be insulting the other person. You aren't accepting the love and compassion they are trying to share. Instead, you're dismissing them. You're telling them their impression is actually false. 

 

When we often refuse compliments, it's because we are so tied up in perfection. We judge who is sharing the compliment; do we like them, agree with them or admire them? And we judge what they are complimenting us for. If we disagree, we brush the compliment away and do not let it seep into our bones, healing us on a profound level. Because, in truth, that's what compliments do: they heal us by allowing us to be seen and understood by another. When we accept a compliment, we are saying yes to the healing. 

 

So what’s the solution? The solution is to accept every compliment. Yes. I said it. Every. Single. Compliment. 

 

The thought of accepting compliments from people you don't agree with might make you want to throw up a little. 🤢 But if you’re feeling that way, you are missing the point of compliments.

 

Compliments are an energetic connection between you and another person. Compliments don’t mean you are exactly like someone else. Let’s simplify that. Say someone with bright purple hair authentically compliments your hair or your looks. Even though you might think their hair looks weird, it doesn't mean they think your hair is weird too. They are just appreciating your hair.

 

Believe the people who compliment you. TAKE THE COMPLIMENT!

 

From today on, when you receive a compliment, I want you to take it. I want you to accept it fully. If you’re walking down the street and someone says, “Nice hat,” take that in and accept it. You might be wearing a hat you’ve had for years or that you don’t even like, but that person liked your hat. They liked it enough to share a compliment—to reach out and make a connection with you.

 

If someone walks by after you parked and says, “Great parallel parking,” take the compliment. If someone at work says, “Wow, your lunch smells good,” take the compliment. If your boss says, “Great work on the marketing campaign,” take the compliment. Don’t waste your time trying to overthink, question, or deny what the other person is saying. Take the compliment in fully. 

 

Think about it this way. When you compliment someone else yourself, do you have bad intentions? Are you lying or trying to trick the other person? Do you have a secret meaning to your compliment? If you don’t act that way, don’t assume those around you do. 

 

Fearbuster Exercise™:

If you’re struggling to accept compliments, start keeping a compliment journal. 

 

Every time you receive a compliment, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, write it down. Then, after each compliment, write down: I’m willing to believe this is true.

 

Read them over again regularly. As you realize how good compliments can feel, begin putting effort into giving compliments in return. Be honest and open with your compliments. You never know—you could completely turn someone's bad day around with one simple compliment.

 

I’m going to stop myself there because I could continue this topic for days. The fear of not being good enough is so common and so ingrained in so many of us. This makes it one of the toughest fears to crack.

 

Start here, but don’t stop here. This article only scratches the surface of tackling and finally curing yourself of a fear of not being good enough. In my How to Overcome Fear of Not Being Good Enough course, (it’s available right inside Fearless You), I explore these strategies further and share additional ones that I haven’t discussed here.

 

I hope that after reading this article, you will start here, but I encourage you to dig deeper. Continue practicing these strategies and implementing them into your daily life and routine. And remember: start now. Start where you are, or you may never start at all.

 

Cracking Your Fear of Not Being Good Enough With Fearless Living

 

This is only the beginning. 

 

Cracking the code to your fear of not being good enough is just one of the journeys you can take with the community at Fearless Living. Your Fearless You membership gets you access to the entire How to Overcome Fear Series, including Fear of Change, Fear of Rejection, and Fear of Failure. Additionally, you’ll gain access to dozens of other courses and live sessions, all designed to help you live the life your soul intended.™ 

 

Do you have crippling self-doubt? Would you like more self-confidence? Do you wish you could say goodbye to your lack of self-love? Follow the Fearless Living blog for free weekly content on everything from how to start over to finding and following your soul purpose to overcoming self-doubt.

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